Kiki looks into dating while ethnically ambiguous

I am Greek, but my dating profile is cleared of any background, I figure they’ll learn soon enough any way; yet, somehow, within just a few messages, many men feel compelled to interrogate me about where I am “originally from,” what my “ethnicity” is, where my family is from, or, in one particularly surreal variation, “what skin tone is that.”

At times, the assumptions are almost comical. During one especially awkward text exchange, a man concluded that my clumsy typing meant I must be a second-language learner and generously offered to switch to my “native language.” To be fair, I was travel-swiping in New York, jet-lagged and typing faster than I was thinking.

Other interactions are far less amusing. One man opened the conversation by offering to meet me at the airport gate to travel “back to my home country.” That was his first message. The. First. Message. Nothing on my profile suggested I wasn’t Californian, yet he had already decided I didn’t belong. He either appointed himself my travel buddy or something a little more nefarious. I didn’t stick around to find out which.

What’s striking is that this behavior isn’t limited to dating apps. In person, strangers also feel entitled to speculate, confidently cycling through different ethnicities as though they’re guessing answers on a game show. The casual way people, usual those with no ethnicity assign identities to others is unsettling; especially when there’s no context, invitation, or relevance.

Over time, I’ve had to get creative with my responses. Once, a man decided that my hair texture alone revealed my background and used that assumption as his opening line. The conversation quickly turned into an impromptu lesson on basic genetics, complete with Mendel’s pea chart, material I assumed we had all encountered by ninth-grade biology, if not earlier.

These moments pile up. Individually, they may seem small, awkward, or even absurd. But they form a pattern: the quiet insistence that someone must explain themselves, justify their presence, or belong somewhere else. And that insistence often arrives unprompted, wrapped in curiosity, humor, or “just asking,” but it’s rarely as innocent as it seems.

Kiki looks into finding herself

We could have just stayed strangers, when one door closes another opens, I was given a box of darkness.. and other platitudes, cliches, and quotes are applicable here. I have read a lot of them trying to get my brain to make sense of all of this

I fell in love with someone who wouldn’t have cared if I ran headfirst into a brick wall. I knew, logically, that I needed to detach. Emotionally? That was another story entirely. When I finally walked away, because it was me not him who let go I did it crying, kicking, and screaming like a full-blown toddler. And it wasn’t because I stopped loving him I knew though he’d never love me or be loyal.

For a long time, I left my heart with someone who never protected it. And honestly, that was an expensive mistake, especially considering I’d just had open-heart surgery. New valves, a repaired heart… and somehow he got mine for free. The audacity; but I digress.

I thought that would be the thing that destroyed me: the leaving, the phone never showing his number again, the silence between us; but it didn’t. Piece by piece, Im finding myself again and I have the ridiculous dates to prove it.

Kiki looks into dating scrubs

Dating in LA can be a long distance relationship, depending on what part of the city each person lives in. When the kids moved from the closet in England to Narnia, although it wasn’t more than a few steps in, they ended up traveling very far from home. It is similar in LA. People can live one city over and, depending on traffic, that could be a thirty plus minute commute. When one person lives in a beach city, and the other one lives across town in a whole other beach city it can become even more complicated getting together because there is no accounting for traffic on the 405 at any time of day or night.

And although it was not a day’s journey, as Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy found out when they walked through Narnia trying to get to the stone slab, it can be a trek when trying to meet up with people all over the southland- in particular when one does not have a car. With that being said, although a car is not necessary, if one plans on dating anywhere outside of a 5 mile radius from where they live and are not willing to Uber because of the price, they should definitely set their dating preference to no more than a few miles to keep the tab and their walking shoes within a reasonable range.

I once had a man meet me at a very popular tourist destination ( the half way point between our two homes) on one of those green Birdy scooters. Mine was a 45 minute commute by car- I can not imagine what his was. To be fair, he arrived punctually- not even mentioning his mode of transportation until well into the date -which is more than can be said for others- I’m looking at you sir who casually walked us by your Porsche and pretended you didn’t know the make of your own car. But I digress.

More recently I have had a couple of people who tried to get me to come to their city or even their home, because as it turns out, they don’t drive. One of them had a car just did not feel comfortable driving in traffic; but, did not seem to have any problem with me navigating through it since he invited me to his home for date one. I wasn’t on tour so skipped that one. A short time later I matched with a man named Bob. He seemed pretty anxious to meet but when we texted through the app and then exchanged numbers he didn’t call for a few days. When he finally did he said that he was looking forward to us getting together more to the point he actually said, “I’m very excited for you to come to my city.” We hadn’t discussed location, time, or day and he knew very well I’ve spent most of my adult life in LA so it’s not as though he was going to give me a tour of somewhere I didn’t know. It confused me that he had already decided where we were going without asking. When I suggested places halfway between our two cities, he just kept moving the date back closer to his original city. At that point I knew something was up but decided to hold off on calling anything out.

On the day of I was running behind and so almost 2 hours before the date I texted and let him know that was the case. He did not respond to that, but instead tried to video chat me through other apps, and then only answered my text at an hour before said meeting time. When I was out the door, I communicated the time that I was going to get there and proceeded to drive to the location. He finally texted as I was pulling into the place to let me know that he was trying to arrange a ride and was going to be late. It was at that point that I confirmed my suspicions about why he had tried to keep the date so close to a particular city. He had no actual car. This though did not stop him from trying to date in cities 20 plus miles outside his home. He even tried to suggest I may have been to blame for his tardiness since the later time I had suggested had thrown him off, even though he had two hours to prepare for it. He went on to say he didn’t know where we were meeting so didnt want to leave until that was certain. This was new information for me since we had agreed to a place- more pointedly a place he suggested. At that juncture, I backed right up from the spot I parked in and unlike the newly crowned kings and queens of Narnia, made my way home deflated rather than elated.

Kiki looks into armchair misogyny

In the Lion and the Witch, and the Wardrobe the white witch was angry because she always felt that she was the rightful ruler of Narnia, but had to fight to earn her place. When anyone questioned her power or authority they met her wrath and were turned to stone. One of her greatest fears: the daughters of Eve taking her power away. With the rise of the podcast and people like Andrew Tate and Joe Rogan men are being instilled with a similar fear: the daughters of Eve taking “control,” stealing their money, etc etc. This fear has made men start turning women into stone figuratively and added even more mines to the already desolate landscape of dating. I am pretty good at vetting out these types even as I swipe- their profiles give off douche vibes and say things like looking for a feminine woman, no feminists, age 45 and not looking for anything serious, there is a picture of them holding a fish, or other such markers, however, every now and then one gets by because they can hide it like the witch hid her true nature from Edmund- but not for long.

A while ago I went on a date with a man we will call Adam, who at first glance seemed put together: he had a good job, his own place, no fish photos in his profile, and in our quick phone conversation to set up the date he was polite and articulate. I was hopeful…but that quickly disappeared when he called me three times prior to me showing up for the date (in the span of an hour.) I knew it was going to go down hill but I was hungry and I hoped it would make a good story. Adam did not disappoint.

When we met up the first thing I noticed was his sudden need to dominate the conversation and his lack of awareness that someone else was mid sentence before he came storming in with his thoughts. On the phone we had a back and forth and there was an equal exchange; this was not the case in person. I could be in the middle of a thought and he would just start in without letting me finish because he ‘knew better’ (his words not mine.) If I asked a question because I didn’t hear or Adam’s point was nonsensical so I disagreed he just spoke louder and slower AT me. It’s like he had faked a conversation long enough to sound non threatening; but, that quickly came to a head when he realized I had opinions and was quicker with the wit and let’s be honest, the facts than him. He did not understand sarcasm but insisted he was very sarcastic especially when it came to certain topics. How that worked I was about to find out.

Turns out his “sarcasm” was rooted in women’s ‘need’ to have equality he stated. A topic, he said, deserved only sarcasm. I asked what that meant because I felt we were not working with the same definition of sarcasm and that seemed to send him over the edge. He began in earnest to rant on and on about how women were responsible for men’s emotions, were to stay calm in all situations even if men were acting foolish, and the demise of values was because women had become somehow blood thirsty (money hungry) and were trying to take men’s power away and control them. He even went as far as saying women control men’s reproductive rights. You should also know he believed this to be an American problem because in other cultures women knew ‘their role.’ I think he wanted to say “their place” but stopped just short of that. To be clear none of what he said was done so ironically he meant every word. I wondered, as he was spewing his foolishness, how this person with so much vitriol against women was on a dating app looking to court women – clearly it wasn’t women he was trying to be with.

When questioned about actual laws that existed protecting men rather than women he was unaware of them- his words were, “I don’t know anything about that.” When questioned about men’s behavior teaching women how to act or men creating the system and now women were using it for their advancement his brain almost locked up with this new thought and could go no further. He quickly ended the date. At least the white witch attempted to take on the daughter’s of Eve- Adam wasn’t even going to try.

Kiki looks into dating internationally

Narnia is, in some ways, a foreign land. It’s like we recognize the landscape and the creatures before us in the story but something is always askew. I know that is a faun but why is it talking and walking only on its hind legs? Dating is the same. I recognize the setting and the characters but something is always slightly off.

And lest you believe that my dating mishaps only take place nationally, l assure you my luck follows me to foreign lands as well. One relationship on my travels started successfully enough: I had a summer romance complete with my fling rushing to the airport to see me one last time before my flight took off. Later I found out he had a whole other family. And the rushing to the airport part …well it just happened to be the day his family was returning from a trip and he was picking them up shortly after I was to take off.

But on a more recent trip back to my homeland I decided to give dating internationally another chance. After matching and speaking briefly on the app with Giorgos we agreed to meet in the public square of what is considered one of the most romantic island by tourists. Giorgos met me there dressed in what can best be described as European fashion complete with knock off work boots so I thought hey this might actually go somewhere (I love a good pair of work boots.) He was even better looking in person and I was excited to once again try and date a fellow Greek.

I will pause here to say I do speak my native tongue, maybe at a 3rd grade level, but enough so people understand me. His English, on the other hand, seemed to be much more basic and as we walked we navigated this hurdle through small talk. I kept insisting that he speak Greek since I could understand it better than he seemed to understand or speak; but he was persistent in speaking English. We walked through the lined streets and ended up at a bar half way down some well known steps but which seemed more for the locals. Giorgos, in perfect Greek, was able to snag us a table with an amazing view. After that though he turned to me and continued to try and speak with the very little English he knew.

And the date went on that way. There were a lot of one or two word answers from him and silences. I would ask him questions in Greek and he answered with English phrases. I asked him if he did not understand my Greek and that is why he spoke in English but he claimed to understand what I was saying and said he just wanted to practice his English. And practice he did. It was like I was listening to a duo lingo recording. Whatever Rosetta Stone English Giorgos had practiced before meeting up with me was what we covered so some of his answers did not really line up with the conversation. After two hours of this painful lesson I did not know I signed up for- and with the alcohol not helping in the least – the bill mercifully came.

It was at this point that Giorgos decided he could use our native language. He looked at me and without blinking, in (once more) perfect Greek says: “ So do you want to cover this.” I had been fooled yet again by my own people. I don’t know if this was a racketeering situation he had with the bar or what but I was not about to be scammed. So I responded with “I’m sorry I don’t understand what you’re saying. ” I left Giorgos and the bartender to figure out the bill betwixt them.

Unlike Lucy and her siblings I did not try to return to the adventures in a foreign lands. Dating at home provided me with enough complexes I did not need to seek them elsewhere.

Kiki looks into break ups

People date for all kinds of reasons but generally dating really has an inevitable progression or an end. Clearly my dating adventures have only gone one way. I have had more first dates than there exist frozen creatures in Narnia. I have very rarely gone on many second or third dates. The last post was my most emotional one and the only one written in real time. Although I am still reeling from that heart ache I have decided to continue down the break up path for at least one more post; but this one is much lighter – I promise.

Despite having been dumped several times over the years, it is rare that I even get the chance to break up with someone. But when I do you know it is going to be the most ridiculous time. I was dating someone very casually (read that as you will). It wasn’t going anywhere and I was not interested in continuing it. I knew that I had to end it with Seamus and felt like I should do it in person. Coincidentally, he asked me to dinner shortly after I made that mental decision so I took him up on that offer. I would quickly come to regret attempting to carry out this break up in public.

We agreed to meet at the restaurant where we had our first date, he was already seated when I got there. I spotted him and went to join. I had no sooner sat down and opened the menu that I started crying. Not for any sentimental reason but just thinking about all that he was about to lose: I mean look at all of this I felt bad for him- I kid. He had not noticed yet so was asking me questions about food: what I was going to order, did I want a drink but at that point I was full force sobbing- almost ugly crying if you will- so couldn’t answer. Just as I looked up at him to answer the waitress appeared at our table and is taking in the situation. Seamus was just as shook as her. She didn’t really know what to do any more than he did so we asked her for more time and she walked away.

It is at this point in the evening that I unleashed on this human. But not about what I had intended. No, rather it was a list of things that seemed more like I wanted him to commit. I started telling him that he should take me out more if he liked me so much. I even found myself saying I didn’t think we wanted the same things. Where did he even see this going? I can not emphasize enough that this was a casual relationship (again, read that as you will) and my intent from the minute I walked in was to break up with him. But the words coming out were more like I wanted him to enter into a committed relationship with me. I did not. For some reason I was not able to stop the flood of words that leaned heavily towards be my boyfriend. I remember asking him if he even saw himself married or with kids. The waitress came back at the exact moment I am asking him his marriage plans and can do nothing but take our order as quickly as possible then slink away. Clearly her timing was impeccable and I am sure she was as embarrassed as him.

When she left Seamus started explaining that he was busy with work and it wasn’t that he wasn’t interested in committing, it was just a little early in dating. Obviously. He said he didn’t even realize these were things I wanted because again – casual. This is not how I saw this going at all. What followed for the remainder of the evening was a lot of awkward silences and small talk. When the food came we ate pretty quickly and the rest of the evening played out like a couple who had just had a public fight but nothing had been resolved yet.

I took myself home after dinner and then a few days later texted him a break up, blocked him, and hopefully he and the waitress have moved on and look back at this as a funny(horror) story they can tell.

Kiki looks into quiet quitters

if you’ve been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you — you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing was ever going to happen again. ~ c.s lewis

Dating is hard- finding someone to trust and who I want to spend time with is hard; but, nothing is more difficult than finding that person, connecting, and then watching the person who once felt safe step back just as I am teetering on the edge. Someone quietly quitting is a heartbreak all it’s own. At least when someone ghosts I don’t have to watch the relationship disintegrate day by day right in front of me. With ghosting they are gone- there is no lingering there is a finality that does not come with a quiet quitter.*

After many, many a first date, the first date with Sebastian seemed like a sigh of relief like I could finally relax. Conversation was easy from the beginning and there was a lot of laughter. No catfishing, no Disney character voices, everything seemed to align. As a side note – I have found it is best when I like someone to be exactly who I am that way they know what they are in for- begin as you mean to go on is my motto. So if Sebastian really was in it as he claimed many times over it was best to be who I would be throughout so he knew. I was untrusting and we hurdled several ptsd flashbacks, but he took it all in stride. He was consistent and reliable. He kept showing up – until he didn’t.

Almost three months from our first date he began to shut me out. Not all at once but slowly. First the messages dried up, he’d text just enough so I knew he was there. Then response times went from minutes to hours. What used to be voice texts throughout the day became one voice text, if I asked. And even his tones changed. Long phone conversations that lasted hours with no one wanting to hang up suddenly felt heavy on his end like an obligation or chore- if they happened at all. The Sebastian who had courted and pursued me decided he’d had enough now that we were in a relationship. The vulnerability and emotion he’d shown was tucked neatly back in and a wall went up. Numerous attempts to ask what was going on were thwarted. And of course the more I pushed the further he stepped back.

I can’t explain to someone what they are unwilling to see. So, although I knew all the reasons he was acting this way he refused to accept it or even admit that anything had changed. Here I was spinning in pools of anxiety, the worse of me coming out in this relationship with a person who was one foot in one foot out. The tangible things to point to as issues, Sebastian insisted were just some voodoo emotional stuff on my end. All I could do was watch him step further and further back like the meme of Homer Simpson sliding into the bushes and nothing would stop the slide. Deciding whether or not to walk away from a person who once made me feel safe is no small feat. It does a number on the psyche.**

* ghosting as a term doesn’t make sense because ghosts hang around much like the quiet quitter actually but I don’t make the labels

** The quiet quitter has officially become a ghoster

Kiki looks into dating outfits

When the children went into the wardrobe they felt the cold as they neared the back of the closet closest to Narnia and put on the fancy coats hanging there. When the witch was finally defeated and spring came they were able to shed the coats. They returned to their home without them hoping they would not be missed. Dating out fits may not be as easy to put together but are just as important as choosing what to wear to protect against the elements. Trying to figure out what to wear depending on day, time, and activity though can lead to some ridiculous situations.

I once went on a date with a man who wore tore up jeans and a graphic t-shirt. That, in and of itself isn’t necessarily, bad except that the t-shirt was one of those ones with a buxom women on it in a somewhat compromising position ( it should be noted that he told me he was coming right from work- I did not ask a lot of follow up questions about his job after that for my own safety.) But what could be expected from a man who ordered pickled eggs on a first date, ate them with his hands, and looked at me quizzically while continuing to wipe his hands on his pants as I offered him a napkin. However, the story below stands out not for what my date wore but what I did.

Dimitri and I decided to go on a walking date. This became more popular in the pandemic but this was just before so I guess we were setting a trend. We agreed to meet at a known work out trail by the beach- I figured athleisure wear would be acceptable. As we know I do not do work out dates- unwittingly, this was the closest I would get to it.

When I walked up to meet my date no jogger pant, basketball short, not even a tennis shoe in sight on this man. While my date donned a nice pair of shorts and a polo shirt I had on a sports bra under my workout tee and sweatshirt with leggings. In this case I was the one with the graphic tee shirt, so to speak. It was too late to turn around so there we were Beauty and the Sweaty Betty.* I, of course, questioned his outfit based on our plans and he stated that what he meant was a leisurely stroll so felt that the outfit was appropriate.

With that said we proceeded to walk 4 miles round trip. As we were on the trail I could feel people staring at this odd combo: me wearing what seemed like appropriate workout attire next to a man who looked like he would be better suited on a boat in the ocean next to us rather than this path. As we neared the three mile mark I could tell my shoes were much better suited and his feet were probably killing him in those Sperry knock offs. Despite that, he was the one insistent we keep walking. At this point I was in need of refueling with a protein bar, shake, something, anything to get us back to our point of origin.

A smoothie for me later, we were nearing the park we had met at and passed my house, but I was not about to tell Dimitri that. When we reached our meeting spot I high-fived him- it felt apt based on the fact that this date had turned into a workout- All in all I walked four and a half miles and finished at home with some sit ups to round out leg day. Dimitri did try to make follow up dates but I was not interested in a workout buddy.

*unrelated to the clothing company

Kiki looks into being stood up

In The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe there is a time when Aslan leaves the children despite their victories. He leaves quietly when no one is really looking. And will continue to come and go throughout their lives. I have been in on again off again relationships- but the on again off again dater, who has a similar philosophy, is a bit trickier because it is hard to tell when they may decide to stand you up. However, like Peter going into battle sans Aslan, one must always be ready for the unexpected.

Frances and I met while we were both out through mutual friend groups. We hit it off and exchanged numbers that night. Our first date was a success. We laughed, we ate and then we met up with our mutual friends for drinks. Things seemed to be off to a solid start.

After the first date we continued to talk and exchange texts. We planned our second date- a meal at a local restaurant in a nearby hotspot.

The night of said date I drove to the shoreline area we would be meeting. There was an unexpected event at this place so parking was a challenge. I had to circle a few times but was able to find parking. I sent Frances a text that I was on my way up to the restaurant after the parking challenges. As I am walking into the place Frances replies to me saying that he couldn’t find parking so has decided to head home. No other follow up text. Just his decision to leave me at the place.

I am not one to be stood up so marched myself right to my car and proceed to drive to his apartment (you can surmise how I know where he lives) when I arrive I do not see his car and he does not answer the door so I sit myself down on the curb to wait his arrival. Fifteen minutes later and he is walking up – I do not know how I beat him to his own home but I have a few guesses. When he sees me sitting on the curb I can tell his brain is not registering the picture in front of him, I use this moment to say: “I was promised a meal” and just stare at him. With that, he mumbles a few local places we could try and we walk ourselves to the now closed Thai place. Dinner was a solemn event that went by rather quickly. I never got an answer that made sense as to why he would drive to a place and then leave knowing someone was waiting for him. Parking was bad but one could find spots. Needless to say there was not a third date.

I have been stood up once while I was at a bar waiting for my date (not a cat fish we had met in person and gone out a couple of times.) When he was a no call no show, I venmo requested that man the price of my drink since he was the one who offered to buy me one in the first place. My bank account is still minus that drink order.

Kiki looks into catfishing

Cat fishing is defined as a deceptive activity in which a person creates a fictional persona or fake identity on a social networking service for the purpose of fraud. Be on dating apps long enough and one will experience at least one catfish. Technically, Lucy was also cat fished by Mr Tumnus the faun. His plan was actually to kidnap her and take her to the queen but later changed his mind. Much like these dates.

The first time I was catfished my date never showed up. Prior to the date he communicated through text and the app. The day of the date as I was driving to meet him he blocked me on the phone and then by the time I walked up to the restaurant he had deleted me from the app. As I circled around the place there were only groups seated. Not a solo person to be found. Inquiries to staff lead nowhere they had not seen a singleton at the place in hours. As I walked back to my car I was panicking- this man knew what I looked but I had no idea of his appearance. I watch a lot of Criminal Minds so my pepper spray was at the ready. However, one time when a catfish did show up there was awkwardness a plenty.

I matched with Kacey who seemed normal in his photos and bio. After riveting conversation he planned a great date at a fancy restaurant. A man picking a place, time, day, and making a reservation for a date is not the usual so I probably should have known something was up. When I showed up it all became very clear. The man who was seated at the table was definitely not the man in the photos. Not in the completely separate person way, but rather the photos were clearly from his glory days in college. Kacey’s hairline had definitely moved back and his face had aged not as gracefully as he probably would have liked. He clearly knew what he was doing was wrong and seemed to want to make up for it through planning. Like the queen he felt he had to lavish gifts to hide his duplicity. In this case it was through order after order of food even after I only wanted one dish he asked for several items. Conversation was halting unlike on the phone because at that point the sham was up. It’s like he just kept ordering food to lengthen the date. It was a painful couple of hours.

I was able to finally get my Uber but Kacey insisted on waiting with me, unlike some prior dates. After what can best be described as an air side hug I jumped into the Uber and the driver said, “Ooph that was awkward, huh?” I asked him if it was that noticeable- he answered: “ Even Stevie Wonder could see that this was a bad date.” We drove home exchanging dating horror stories and laughing.