Kiki looks into dating internationally- locally

Although I have been bamboozled a few times by my own people I keep trying to date them, similar to how Edmund knows deep down the queen is bad but just convinces himself she may not be so keeps going back to find her. I am just going to take a minute and revisit going out with my own people which happened not too far in the past.

I had a very interesting date with a man who claimed to also be Greek. Nick was not very communicative by text when we matched and I did call him out on it- nothing changed, so I guess he had the Greek stubbornness down pat. Regardless, we set up a date locally, and we haltingly continued to talk about our common interest- being Greek.

The day of the date I showed up to the restaurant after he did- I was not late, but he had actually gotten there a little early and had the waitress seat him- very unGreek of him. When I asked him where he was sitting instead of telling me where he instructed me to ask the waitress to take me back to him like he was a king of some kind. He did not even offer to come out and meet me at the front of the restaurant. I let the hostess know my party was seated and proceeded to wander the establishment looking for a person I was supposed to recognize from some vague pictures. I knew it was gonna be bad.

When I finally did locate him he stood up and hugged me. It was a very awkward side hug then he sat himself right down, looked me square in the my eyes and with a straight face said, “You are so lucky to be here with me.” That sounded very Greek, but that’s where the commonality ended and it was downhill from there. I could not keep my mouth shut so responded with: “Why would you have that thought and then say it out loud?” He made a wide sweep with his arms seemingly pointing out the restaurant but remained silent expecting me to know what he meant. I just continued to stare at him at which time he filled the silence by telling me he “knew the manager and his friend was part owner” As a note a.) we were not in LA for this to happen and b.) that’s not a personality trait for me to value.

This exchange was quickly interrupted when the waitress brought us each a glass of champagne- he had “taken the liberty of ordering me a drink” but had never asked if I even drank – I don’t. He was upset to find this out. Before he could say anything else, we were brought some kind of amuse bouche. When I asked what it was or what he ordered, instead of telling me he really doubled down on me being lucky to be there with him and replied that: “it was specially made for us.” “From the kitchen,” he continued. I expressed concern as to where our other food orders would be made from but he didn’t get my joke.

Conversation from there on was fairly stilted. We did not see eye to eye on any subject, and as it turned out, he had just broken up with somebody a few days previous. When I said that it was surprising he was dating so soon after he’d broken up with somebody, he did not see why it was “my business as to his dating timeline. ” Then when I was asking him seemingly normal first date questions, i.e. what brought him to California from his home state he stated that-”it was a traumatic event” and I “shouldn’t be asking those types of questions.” To which I spit out, “please learn to lie because that’s a normal question to ask on a date.” It was a very quiet dinner after that.

I guess dating Greek or part Greeks is not in the cards for me. As Edmund and I learned, one should always trust their instincts even in the face of food and drinks.

Kiki looks into the positive side of dating

Dating is a winter wasteland, because even on the best of days things rarely work out. Although I always talk about the terrible dates, even the most pleasant dates rarely move forward. Because, like the deep magic of Narnia, things always seem to work out for the witch rather than the sons of Adam and daughters of Eve.

I once matched with a lovely human named Kent. He was always so positive on the phone and in messages. Not in a fake way or a way that was annoying as some cheerily people tend to be but in an endearing way. Like Aslan,who always kept calm in the worst of situations, so Kent kept cheerful.

Our date was at LA Live on a Friday night. This was no small feat especially without a reservation. But despite the long waits and crowds he was so positive and calming. Nothing fazed him. We walked around as we waited for the beeping of our restaurant tracker and he was just amazed by everything. Like Alec Baldwin’s character in ‘Friends,’ he complimented the most arbitrary of things. “Just look at all these brake lights glowing like the light of a thousand ferries. *” And on and on just over the top enthusiasm about the crowds, the restaurants, all the mundane things we passed were somehow fascinating to him. Although Baldwin’s character was grating after a while, Kent was less so and I think it was because it just seemed so natural for him to be amazed by everything. Our conversation was just as fascinating to him. He spoke in glowing terms about life, his job, and anytime I had something to say it was a two minute praise session about what I had said. It was like having my own hype person. Despite what could have been a miserable experience it was refreshing to watch someone be so open and energized. I don’t know if that says something about me or dating in general.

In the end we had a wonderful time and his upbeat attitude only added to that. Even though there was no spark it was nice to go on a date that was successful overall and did not end in a more positive Uber ride than the date itself. However, because of the type of blog this is – we know this story does not end with me in a partnership. The next day I received the kindest ‘this isn’t going anywhere, let’s not see each other again’ text I have ever read. And have yet to get anything nicer since.

*The One in Massapequa

Kiki looks into humor

Everyone has an origin story, and before I knew that the dating world was a Narnian winter wasteland with witches, betrayal, and a lot of ice I had my very first tinder match a long, long time ago. I matched with a man we will call Joe. Because I was so new, we texted quite a bit on the app before exchanging numbers. He seemed to be very funny in text- that’s what got me. Then after a while, I gave him my number and the humor continued across the phone. It wasn’t until after we met that I realized he wasn’t funny at all, he was just not very bright. What I had interpreted as humor in text was just him having a conversation. It was almost the Key and Peele skit about the text conversation.*

At the time I knew none of this though and believed I was going on a date with a human who had a good sense of humor. After numerous exchanges we made plans to meet at a bar. When I got there, he looked exactly like his photos (at the time I didnt know about catfishing more on that in the future) and the date seemed to be going well except unlike his text, he was not chatty.. at all. I carried most of the conversation. I started wondering if I had been Cyrano’d through text. But the exact moment I realized that his humor was, in fact, him being serious, was the following exchange: We had been discussing his job and somehow Chelsea Handler came up – I can not remember the details now- I love her so I said to him: “I love her standup. She is so funny. ” And he replies deadpan: “No she doesn’t stand up. She sits behind that desk.” At first I thought- ohh finally there you are Joe, there is that jokester. I paused and looked at him and he looked at me with no trace of sarcasm. So I said again: “Yes, on her show but I also love her stand up. And he kept looking at me, confusion just deepening. He responds again “ No, she is the one that sits behind the desk. Maybe we are talking about two different people. She is the one that sits behind the desk and says the news and the jokes. She doesn’t stand up.” We went back and forth a couple of times I laughingly, but he was not breaking and left little room to argue and at that point I realized I had met a very literal person.

I figured at that point it could not get any worse so chose to move on. He had his hands on the bar and I noticed that there was a scar on one so I asked him where he got that from and he answered, “oh my wife and I got into a fight a long time ago.” I said “oh that is bad. Do you mean your ex-wife?” He responds with: “Well we’re separated, not divorced though.” At that point, I realized I had not asked enough questions about whether or not he was single. I had just assumed it because he was on a dating app so I proceeded to ask him questions: I said: “Oh, so you are getting a divorce? He answered in the affirmative, but added that they still lived in the same home. My reply: “ That must be difficult – so you live in different rooms?” (I felt the need to ask obvious questions based on the above interactions.) He said “No we’re in the same room.” Excuse me, sir ? He ended with “Yes, we share the bed. I have one side and she has the other.” At that point it was time to make my exit and I was grateful I had only ordered soda water.

Sir, you are not single, you are not separated, you are still in a whole ass marriage. I was single on a dating app and his stupid self was both married and dating. Why I continued to try and find love on the internet after that first encounter is a mystery.

* Key and Peele

Kiki looks into time

Time is a social construct this is evidenced by the fact that Greek people, like me, can never really be on time to anything- including dates. However, I try my best, am only a few minutes late, and always tell my date if I do happen to be running behind. In Narnia time also seems to stop. When Lucy entered Narnia hours passed before she went back through the wardrobe. In the real world no more than five minutes had passed. The same happened when all four children went to Narnia: although they felt that they spent days there, it was only a few hours that had passed when they re-entered their world. This time holding still seems to happen to some of my dates as well- sadly, it’s never ones that turn out okay rather I am just waiting to end up disappointed or disturbed.

A while ago, I went on a date with Walter, whom I matched with and who was pretty inconsistent in the texting or would try and make a plan, but never actually follow through on the day of said plan (now is not the time to ask why I then agree to make a follow up date.) When we had finally chosen another day that worked for both of us there were still very vague details about time – after some football game he said, and location – I’ ll come to you he insisted. When said day came and no details were forthcoming early on he was shocked to find I would need some time to get ready, because he was: “twenty minutes away from you.” His exact words when he found out I was not prepped were, “you haven’t been waiting for me on the edge of your seat this whole time?” (Again, now is not the time to question my judgement.) Once we settled on a time I got ready and headed out the door. I drove myself there and then, although he was only “twenty minutes away” I arrived before him and began to wait. Then he texted me to tell me he was running about 10 minutes late although 10 minutes had already passed from the original start time. Then he called a few minutes later to tell me he would actually be later, that was followed by another phone call where he said he had to stop somewhere. So although he was originally only minutes away he turned up 45 minutes late.

We sat down and the waitress brought us our menus. When she came to take our orders, I was the only one who actually ordered anything. He didn’t even get a drink. He did take the liberty of questioning the waitress about the menu though like how many calories were in the food I had just ordered or what were the ingredients and also why she didn’t know how many calories were in the food. Then he made her go back and ask the cook how many calories were in the food; he kept insisting on knowing the nutrition information for my food. I on the other hand was mortified he was being so abrupt about something he wasn’t even ordering. When my food came, I did offer him some and he promptly ate more than half of it. I guess he really did need that information after all. When the bill came it couldn’t have totaled more than $10. He reached for the bill to pay I made the polite gesture of asking if he wanted to split it (my fault again) and he said yes. I don’t know why I wasn’t expecting that after the earlier shenanigans it should’ve been a given. However, when I took out my credit card to pay since I didn’t have cash he started mocking me for not having cash and wondering why I was going to pay three dollars on my credit card as if, again, it were his credit card or he would get charged a minimum use fine. I became so infuriated I just said I’m gonna pay this whole bill and you can leave the tip- which he did in the form of one dollar. So I waited an hour for a man to eat my food, have me pay for it, and harass the waitress in the process. A couple of days later he texted to ask when our next date was: I wonder if he still waiting for my response.

This was not the last time a man would be late for a date. Fast forward to earlier this year I went on a date with a man I matched with named Conner. He was prompt in all his responses and seemed very genuine in his interest asking me about my day and so on I was not suspicious of what was to come. We picked a time that worked for both of us, but on the day of he kept pushing the time back even after I asked if we should just reschedule to accommodate what was coming up. He insisted he would make it and only be a few minutes late. He proceeded to be an hour late. This hour of his absences was actually the best part of the date.

When he got there, he ordered himself a beer and a shot to start with, and then proceeded to tell me what a great guy he was, how nice he was, how he gave everybody a chance, how he was so loving. Conner just went on and on most of the date talking about himself except when he asked me about myself and then cut me off to tell me more about himself. He started making sexual references right when that shot kicked in. I felt bad for the waiter who had to listen and didn’t know whether to laugh (his job depends on tips) or not; he kept giving me pity looks- a small comfort really. As the date wore on, Conner ordered himself another beer and kept drinking and talking about himself. Then he started asking if I wanted to go back to his place and that he lives nearby and am I sure I do not want to go back to his place. I was very insistent on not going. When he realized it was not going anywhere he excused himself to pay the tab. As he is walking back he stops to talk to a waitress. I become distracted by some drunk who stumbled over to the table to talk to me. I told him I was on a date and he left. When I look back to see where my date had been standing with the waitress neither of them are anywhere in sight. He and the waitress have disappeared.

I waited some time and my date did not return. At that point I figured he paid the bill, it was his credit card he gave anyway to open the tab so I left. When I got to my car I got a text message from Conner insisting that I should have come home with him as we would’ve had a great time: followed by a d#ck pic. It’s 2022 who still sends d#ck pics?

Kiki looks into dating from the other side … part two

Warning: Some offensive thoughts- (not mine)

I do not think anyone has gone on a date with me and thought wow this girl is holding it down mentally. I know how I am and it’s best to get it out early on- I am not trying to fool anyone into dating me. Simultaneously, I do come across somewhat like I have it together – Get you someone who can do both is what I say. Unlike the last date story posted, which left me reeling in the aftermath as to what happened, for this next “side of their story” post, this man made it very clear what he thought of me by the end.

Early in the dating world of apps I was not aware of the three in app messages, exchange numbers, three phone texts, and then set up a date. So when I matched with Chad and he asked me out on the first message I thought that is how these things worked. We agreed to meet at a local place. As it turns out, the one word or sentence phrase was just how Chad was. Immediately asking someone out was not how it was done, it’s just how Chad did it because he had little to say. During the course of the date there were a lot of one word, answers, and one-sided conversations on my part. That is until we stumbled upon books we’d read.

When I tell you that Chad had immersed himself in the book The Secret it would not be enough. It would not cover how much he had absorbed the book. Similar to how the Witch covered all of Narnia in snow and misery so Chad had covered his entire personality, mindset, and self in The Secret. At this point the man who had previously been giving one word answers was speaking at length about the concepts of the book. I learned his life story as it related to the book. I learned about his dating history as it related to the book, I learned about… you get the picture. At this point in the date the tables had turned and I must have seemed like the one not having much to say.

The positive mindset and manifesting scenarios seemed harmless until he started suggesting that homeless people could use the power of the secret to help better their situation. If only they thought more positively they would have a better chance of escaping this traume. And unfortunately that belief was not even the strangest. As shocked as Edmund was to find all the frozen creatures in the witches castle, I was even more perplexed by what I was listening to as Chad continued to speak.

Neither the above part nor this next part do I say lightly, it’s just the context was so perplexing that for a moment I thought I might have been on an episode of Punk’d. Chad has now moved on from his homelessness philosophy to his next beliefs about the application of the secret. He stated that people with special needs, mental illness, and physical ailments could be “cured” as he said by living the teachings of The Secret. It is at this point in our date, that my phone, sitting on the table the whole time vibrates, and the Shazam app opens seemingly by itself. I stare at him and jokingly say I think they’re listening to us. Then shout “I know you’re there.” This man, who believes all the world’s problems are fixed through positive thinking, looks at me, and with a straight face says, “Are you crazy? I thought he was being facetious. But he adds to his comment, “who would be listening?” He genuinely believes I may be slightly off. I was expecting a lesson from The Secret that may be able to help me. Instead he signals to the waiter for the check and frantically moves to pay it so we can leave. Chad really thought I was losing it and rather than help me with his lessons from The Secret is in a hurry to put distance between us. So much for his humanitarian efforts.

The next day as I am driving down one of our main streets I happen to pass by Chad walking down the road with a new girl on what can best be described as an ice cream date. I had to fight back the urge to roll down the window and shout run girl.

Kiki looks into dating from the other side

The tale of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe is told from an outside perspective and one that is slanted against the witch. We will never know if there was a misunderstanding- she could have been misrepresented. The omniscient narrator could have had a beef with the queen or a general dislike for winter weather. Unless someone writes an opposite narrative like Jon Scieszka’s, The True Story of the Three Little Pigs, we won’t really ever know the whole story. Dating is similar that way, I am the narrator of my own circumstances I have my side and my date-es have there’s. I have gone home from more than a few thinking it was a win to never hear from them again and I am sure the same has happened from their perspective as well. These are unfinished stories: no beginning middle or end and that is how they will remain so. One, however, left me so bewildered I still wonder what happened.

Amir and I met the traditional late 2000 teen way on an app, chatted briefly, and set up a date near by. I Ubered to our date the night of because it was Friday and I felt like having one drink. I arrived a little early and got us a table. He was punctual and once we were settled in things were going very well. We chatted easily, had several things in common, and even though the food order was a bit delayed there was a lot of laughter on both sides. I took that as a good sign- clearly it was not. At almost nine o’clock on the dot -once the bill came and went – Amir suddenly stood up and said I am going now. No explanation, just I am going now. Was I being Cinderellad? Was I the Prince in this situation? What had I missed? Perhaps two hours was too long for a date I thought, but we were having fun, weren’t we ? I did not understand the unexpected ending. Nonetheless, he gets up to leave and I follow, at this point very confused. This is the least confused I would be, as it turns out.

I let Amir know that I have to wait for my Uber since there was no warning of an end. He stares at me and reluctantly says he can wait with me but I can tell it is very much not what he wants to do. I let him know it is fine for him to leave. At this point he gives me the most awkward of side hugs (I can quite literally feel his hip bone on my rib cage) and then proceeds to go left of where I am. A few minutes later as I remain rooted in the same spot he had just left me, waiting for my ride, he walks by me once more. Presumably he had forgotten where he parked. But, when he walks by he does not acknowledge I am there. In. The. Same. Spot. Does not do one of those awkward waves, bashful laughs oops don’t remember where I parked- nothing. Just walks right by me in silence staring straight ahead no acknowledgment that we had just shared a meal or even of my presence. Just walked right on by. I tracked him from left to right like I was watching a very slow tennis game for any sign that we just spent two hours together. None were visible.

The driver who dropped me off that night seemed more concerned with my safe return home than my date. At least the driver waited until I was in the gate before he took off with a honk to acknowledge I existed.

Kiki looks into dating Disney characters

Narnia is a small place, but not as small as dating in Los Angeles with your other single girl friends.

A couple of years back I met a man named Simone on the dating sites and we texted on the app for a couple of days and exchanged numbers. We started texting and it was going well- banter, memes, and GIFs flowed. The witty to serious conversation ratio was spot on, good wait times, and things were progressing. We scheduled a Sunday brunch date- the only thing that set my radar off slightly was when he pushed the date back a couple of hours to an earlier time, but things happen so I did not think too much of it (however, this becomes important to the plot shortly.) On the Saturday before the date he called me for the first time.

I will pause here to describe Simone. His profile showed a very tall, very handsome man. In all his photos he is well dressed, with a strong beard, and a sharp hair cut. He had sent photos in his text, nothing crass, all looking recent and matching the profile- all good. Back to the story.

When I answered the phone what I heard knocked me sideways- and not in a good way. Although Simone’s number was on the screen (remember: tall, sharp, good looking) all I heard when he said hello how are you was Minnie Mouse’s voice! I thought maybe it was the connection, but no. As Simone continued to talk his voice remained the same pitch. This man could have voiced over any number of Disney shorts: Locked in Love – check, A Fancy Gentleman- check, New Shoes- check, check. If Minnie was in it Simone may have voiced it over. Was this a lucrative side hustle he had forgotten to mention? I was too stunned to say much so let this Minnie voice over talk about his background, kids, and whatever other topic he covered. When we hung up I still did not know what to do but didn’t feel right cancelling on such short notice.

That night I had dinner with the girls and we were discussing our dating lives. One of my friends mentioned that she had a date the next day with a man she had met while out. She had had to change the times because of some prior family commitments ( I know you see where this is going , dramatic irony and all) As we were discussing our respective dates’ attributes some of the qualities seemed to overlap- but were slightly off. She continued to discuss her date but then said slowly, “the only thing I can’t get passed is his voice- it’s so high pitched.” I stared at her for a minute, took out my phone and said: “is this who you are going on a date with tomorrow” and showed her a picture from the text. She took out her phone pulled out matching photos from their thread. This Minnie Mouse sounding guy was reusing photos; and, and he had moved our time back because she had had to reschedule theirs. He booked two dates in one day !

To top it all off the attributes were off because he told us different things including background and family size! Needless to say we both cancelled on him, and he still had the audacity to try and argue with us.

Kiki looks into bad decisions and terrible food sharers

The inhabitants of Narnia are nothing if not welcoming. The faun gave Lucy tea, The beavers made a whole meal for the four children, even the queen offered Edmund food and drink. I, however, can not say the same about men on the dating apps.

I once went on a date with a man named Charles. Charles and I met in person so I had an idea of his looks, personality, and overall being before our actual first date. We exchanged numbers and after a few texts he called me. He was funny but seemed a bit pretentious. When we would talk I felt like I was in a strange oneupmanship contest I had not signed up for. This should have been my first clue that something was suspicious. However, he had more endearing qualities that overrode my misgivings so I agreed to go on a date despite the highfalutin attitude.

Appropriately we went to a very shi shi foo foo place and immediately Charles began to order tar tar, eel, oysters, and other food more suitable for the inhabitants of Narnia than people- while also knowing full well I did not eat anything from the sea. All I wanted from the menu were the ribs so I spoke up and placed my order. The food came out and Charles began happily eating his orders as I was making my way through my ONE small plate. I was half done when I needed to excuse myself to the restroom (now is a good time to mention that from the time I left to my return only minutes passed. This will be important in one second.)

When I returned my ribs were gone. Gone. I look at my date, he looks at me, I look at the place where my ribs were, my date looks at where my ribs were, then I look back at my date who looks back at me and says, I finished your ribs and had the waitress take your plate. The only item I ordered, the only item I was eating he finished. He had ordered what felt like a mountain for himself but decided he should also help himself to my food too without asking or anything. After having my meal finished while on a date, I figured I could not sink any lower in the dating pool. But like Edmund facing Aslan and the witch, it turns out things could get worse.

Shortly after my date with Charles I went on a date with a man we will call Jack. Jack was a spur of the moment date. We met on Tinder, exchanged a couple of messages and then decided to meet at a local bar. I should have known it was not going to go well based on the location. I got there and Jack had already ordered a drink for himself. I sat down and we started talking. 20 minutes in and I am still watching him drink- alone- he had yet to offer to order me a drink. At that point I knew I would be leaving.

He finally asked if I wanted anything, but I said no. He got up and headed to the bar any way. A few minutes later he came back with another drink sat down and told me he has ordered himself food. It came quickly, and he started eating it. He never, at any point, offered me a bite. Not once. So I was on a date watching a man eat and drink – I could have stayed home and watched a number of more entertaining options on Netflix. It was at that point that I got up and walked out. No good bye pleasantries, nothing. It would not have mattered either as his mouth was full: he had just tucked into the other side of his nacho plate.

Kiki looks into going on a second date… three years later

A few years ago I matched with a man who we will call George. George was a great texter. Soon we exchanged numbers and made plans to meet. The day of the date he called me to let me know he “was stocky” Do I know what that means, no. But did I know why this was a relevant preemptive phone call ? Also, no. It was too late to cancel, so I would just have to figure it out when I got there.

When I show up to this date George, like the faun to Lucy, is only a little taller than me. I am now on a date with a person who is also the size of a middle schooler. If we had children I’d have to carry them around in a Polly Pocket tiny seashell purse! As for the stocky part, it was a California winter so he had on a fake puffer jacket and I could not tell- unless stocky means short?Although the date went pretty well, it did not sit right with me that if we went to the movies we would be asked where our adult was. Both of us could not be the height of a seventh grader. And so that was the end of that.

Fast forward a couple years and George suddenly starts coming up on the algorithm of my dating apps. After he showed up on the third app, I said fine- I will swipe right, we can match, have a good laugh, and move on. When we matched though, to my great surprise, George gave no indication that he even knew me! I kept messaging though thinking something would ring a bell- it did not. Then he asked for my number through the app. I was sure once he put it in his phone I would come up and he would feel as foolish as Edmund for trusting the witch. Apparently it did not come up and he kept texting as though this was our first meeting. I was a little indignant that he had not kept my number.

That is then how I ended up on a delayed second date on a Tuesday night with a man who thought this was our first date. I really believed when he saw me and we started speaking he would remember me. But when he showed up, not a shred of recognition. And I can not tell you if its is because I looked good before or now. I found myself having almost identical conversations with George. At least he was consistent with his first date banter? Oh your mom is from …. this is brand new information*. Oh your family has governmental ties- I had no idea.* And this is how the date continued. At least one of us seemed to be enjoying the date, and the other person was me.

It really was like he was that statue in the witches castle time stopped and he had no recollection of any thing that happened ! Needless to say, I have not scheduled a second (third) date with George and I probably will not be conducting any social experiments like that one at the expense of my ego.

*in my Phoebe Buffay voice

*in my Chandler voice

Kiki looks into the dating world

When Lucy entered Narnia she was confused as to why there was a lamp post in the middle of the forest; and, indeed the lamp post confused all the children. Dating itself is a confusing undertaking- especially when you find an incongruous person in the middle of the search for the ‘one.’

On a more recent dating adventure I went out with a man I will call Reid. Reid was not my usual type: long hair and so laid back I felt I should be even more anxious to make up for his relaxed air; but, he had a jaw line so strong it made Liam Hemsworth’s look lazy. Clearly, the dating world has taken its toll on me when small gestures like filling my water cup and strong jaw lines have me swooning.

I was, however, still weary because despite his kindness, when he opened his mouth and spoke it sometimes made my brain angry.* Despite our very different views I was intrigued and actually wanted to spend more time with him. Which explains why our first date lasted as long as it did.

When, for our second date, he suggested a hike my brain said no thank you, I do not want to be murdered, but it came out as, ‘Sure, sounds great’ instead and it was then I knew I was in trouble. As a side note, I hate hiking, I’ll do it, but I hate it. I do not like being dusty…or sweaty for that matter. And hiking is the least sexy thing one can do on a date.

But I found myself driving on a early afternoon in July to attempt a hike with a man I did not know but was strangely attracted to and angry at all at once. While hiking I found myself smiling. Smiling…While hiking. Who was I? My brain was still fuming but my heart was giddy. No, really who was I?

The hike turned into lunch and the head-heart situation only grew worse. It was like when Edmund was trying to understand how the queen, who offered him loukoumia, could be bad. I, like Edmund, could not understand how I could hold so many drastically different emotions for a human I just met. But I found myself listening and being enthralled by what he was saying. At the end of the second date he was all I could think about and I was looking forward to our already scheduled third date.

And this reader is where our story takes a confusing turn. Despite a successful third date and plans for a fourth set, Reid disappeared. Poof gone. I am pretty sure it took the queen more time to have the Faun picked up for harboring a human than it took him to change his mind.

Like the lamp post in the middle of the forest, what happened after date three that seemed to scare him away will remain a mystery.

*Thank you Mindy Kaling for verbalizing this sentiment