Kiki looks into time

Time is a social construct this is evidenced by the fact that Greek people, like me, can never really be on time to anything- including dates. However, I try my best, am only a few minutes late, and always tell my date if I do happen to be running behind. In Narnia time also seems to stop. When Lucy entered Narnia hours passed before she went back through the wardrobe. In the real world no more than five minutes had passed. The same happened when all four children went to Narnia: although they felt that they spent days there, it was only a few hours that had passed when they re-entered their world. This time holding still seems to happen to some of my dates as well- sadly, it’s never ones that turn out okay rather I am just waiting to end up disappointed or disturbed.

A while ago, I went on a date with Walter, whom I matched with and who was pretty inconsistent in the texting or would try and make a plan, but never actually follow through on the day of said plan (now is not the time to ask why I then agree to make a follow up date.) When we had finally chosen another day that worked for both of us there were still very vague details about time – after some football game he said, and location – I’ ll come to you he insisted. When said day came and no details were forthcoming early on he was shocked to find I would need some time to get ready, because he was: “twenty minutes away from you.” His exact words when he found out I was not prepped were, “you haven’t been waiting for me on the edge of your seat this whole time?” (Again, now is not the time to question my judgement.) Once we settled on a time I got ready and headed out the door. I drove myself there and then, although he was only “twenty minutes away” I arrived before him and began to wait. Then he texted me to tell me he was running about 10 minutes late although 10 minutes had already passed from the original start time. Then he called a few minutes later to tell me he would actually be later, that was followed by another phone call where he said he had to stop somewhere. So although he was originally only minutes away he turned up 45 minutes late.

We sat down and the waitress brought us our menus. When she came to take our orders, I was the only one who actually ordered anything. He didn’t even get a drink. He did take the liberty of questioning the waitress about the menu though like how many calories were in the food I had just ordered or what were the ingredients and also why she didn’t know how many calories were in the food. Then he made her go back and ask the cook how many calories were in the food; he kept insisting on knowing the nutrition information for my food. I on the other hand was mortified he was being so abrupt about something he wasn’t even ordering. When my food came, I did offer him some and he promptly ate more than half of it. I guess he really did need that information after all. When the bill came it couldn’t have totaled more than $10. He reached for the bill to pay I made the polite gesture of asking if he wanted to split it (my fault again) and he said yes. I don’t know why I wasn’t expecting that after the earlier shenanigans it should’ve been a given. However, when I took out my credit card to pay since I didn’t have cash he started mocking me for not having cash and wondering why I was going to pay three dollars on my credit card as if, again, it were his credit card or he would get charged a minimum use fine. I became so infuriated I just said I’m gonna pay this whole bill and you can leave the tip- which he did in the form of one dollar. So I waited an hour for a man to eat my food, have me pay for it, and harass the waitress in the process. A couple of days later he texted to ask when our next date was: I wonder if he still waiting for my response.

This was not the last time a man would be late for a date. Fast forward to earlier this year I went on a date with a man I matched with named Conner. He was prompt in all his responses and seemed very genuine in his interest asking me about my day and so on I was not suspicious of what was to come. We picked a time that worked for both of us, but on the day of he kept pushing the time back even after I asked if we should just reschedule to accommodate what was coming up. He insisted he would make it and only be a few minutes late. He proceeded to be an hour late. This hour of his absences was actually the best part of the date.

When he got there, he ordered himself a beer and a shot to start with, and then proceeded to tell me what a great guy he was, how nice he was, how he gave everybody a chance, how he was so loving. Conner just went on and on most of the date talking about himself except when he asked me about myself and then cut me off to tell me more about himself. He started making sexual references right when that shot kicked in. I felt bad for the waiter who had to listen and didn’t know whether to laugh (his job depends on tips) or not; he kept giving me pity looks- a small comfort really. As the date wore on, Conner ordered himself another beer and kept drinking and talking about himself. Then he started asking if I wanted to go back to his place and that he lives nearby and am I sure I do not want to go back to his place. I was very insistent on not going. When he realized it was not going anywhere he excused himself to pay the tab. As he is walking back he stops to talk to a waitress. I become distracted by some drunk who stumbled over to the table to talk to me. I told him I was on a date and he left. When I look back to see where my date had been standing with the waitress neither of them are anywhere in sight. He and the waitress have disappeared.

I waited some time and my date did not return. At that point I figured he paid the bill, it was his credit card he gave anyway to open the tab so I left. When I got to my car I got a text message from Conner insisting that I should have come home with him as we would’ve had a great time: followed by a d#ck pic. It’s 2022 who still sends d#ck pics?

Kiki looks into dating from the other side … part two

Warning: Some offensive thoughts- (not mine)

I do not think anyone has gone on a date with me and thought wow this girl is holding it down mentally. I know how I am and it’s best to get it out early on- I am not trying to fool anyone into dating me. Simultaneously, I do come across somewhat like I have it together – Get you someone who can do both is what I say. Unlike the last date story posted, which left me reeling in the aftermath as to what happened, for this next “side of their story” post, this man made it very clear what he thought of me by the end.

Early in the dating world of apps I was not aware of the three in app messages, exchange numbers, three phone texts, and then set up a date. So when I matched with Chad and he asked me out on the first message I thought that is how these things worked. We agreed to meet at a local place. As it turns out, the one word or sentence phrase was just how Chad was. Immediately asking someone out was not how it was done, it’s just how Chad did it because he had little to say. During the course of the date there were a lot of one word, answers, and one-sided conversations on my part. That is until we stumbled upon books we’d read.

When I tell you that Chad had immersed himself in the book The Secret it would not be enough. It would not cover how much he had absorbed the book. Similar to how the Witch covered all of Narnia in snow and misery so Chad had covered his entire personality, mindset, and self in The Secret. At this point the man who had previously been giving one word answers was speaking at length about the concepts of the book. I learned his life story as it related to the book. I learned about his dating history as it related to the book, I learned about… you get the picture. At this point in the date the tables had turned and I must have seemed like the one not having much to say.

The positive mindset and manifesting scenarios seemed harmless until he started suggesting that homeless people could use the power of the secret to help better their situation. If only they thought more positively they would have a better chance of escaping this traume. And unfortunately that belief was not even the strangest. As shocked as Edmund was to find all the frozen creatures in the witches castle, I was even more perplexed by what I was listening to as Chad continued to speak.

Neither the above part nor this next part do I say lightly, it’s just the context was so perplexing that for a moment I thought I might have been on an episode of Punk’d. Chad has now moved on from his homelessness philosophy to his next beliefs about the application of the secret. He stated that people with special needs, mental illness, and physical ailments could be “cured” as he said by living the teachings of The Secret. It is at this point in our date, that my phone, sitting on the table the whole time vibrates, and the Shazam app opens seemingly by itself. I stare at him and jokingly say I think they’re listening to us. Then shout “I know you’re there.” This man, who believes all the world’s problems are fixed through positive thinking, looks at me, and with a straight face says, “Are you crazy? I thought he was being facetious. But he adds to his comment, “who would be listening?” He genuinely believes I may be slightly off. I was expecting a lesson from The Secret that may be able to help me. Instead he signals to the waiter for the check and frantically moves to pay it so we can leave. Chad really thought I was losing it and rather than help me with his lessons from The Secret is in a hurry to put distance between us. So much for his humanitarian efforts.

The next day as I am driving down one of our main streets I happen to pass by Chad walking down the road with a new girl on what can best be described as an ice cream date. I had to fight back the urge to roll down the window and shout run girl.

Kiki looks into dating from the other side

The tale of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe is told from an outside perspective and one that is slanted against the witch. We will never know if there was a misunderstanding- she could have been misrepresented. The omniscient narrator could have had a beef with the queen or a general dislike for winter weather. Unless someone writes an opposite narrative like Jon Scieszka’s, The True Story of the Three Little Pigs, we won’t really ever know the whole story. Dating is similar that way, I am the narrator of my own circumstances I have my side and my date-es have there’s. I have gone home from more than a few thinking it was a win to never hear from them again and I am sure the same has happened from their perspective as well. These are unfinished stories: no beginning middle or end and that is how they will remain so. One, however, left me so bewildered I still wonder what happened.

Amir and I met the traditional late 2000 teen way on an app, chatted briefly, and set up a date near by. I Ubered to our date the night of because it was Friday and I felt like having one drink. I arrived a little early and got us a table. He was punctual and once we were settled in things were going very well. We chatted easily, had several things in common, and even though the food order was a bit delayed there was a lot of laughter on both sides. I took that as a good sign- clearly it was not. At almost nine o’clock on the dot -once the bill came and went – Amir suddenly stood up and said I am going now. No explanation, just I am going now. Was I being Cinderellad? Was I the Prince in this situation? What had I missed? Perhaps two hours was too long for a date I thought, but we were having fun, weren’t we ? I did not understand the unexpected ending. Nonetheless, he gets up to leave and I follow, at this point very confused. This is the least confused I would be, as it turns out.

I let Amir know that I have to wait for my Uber since there was no warning of an end. He stares at me and reluctantly says he can wait with me but I can tell it is very much not what he wants to do. I let him know it is fine for him to leave. At this point he gives me the most awkward of side hugs (I can quite literally feel his hip bone on my rib cage) and then proceeds to go left of where I am. A few minutes later as I remain rooted in the same spot he had just left me, waiting for my ride, he walks by me once more. Presumably he had forgotten where he parked. But, when he walks by he does not acknowledge I am there. In. The. Same. Spot. Does not do one of those awkward waves, bashful laughs oops don’t remember where I parked- nothing. Just walks right by me in silence staring straight ahead no acknowledgment that we had just shared a meal or even of my presence. Just walked right on by. I tracked him from left to right like I was watching a very slow tennis game for any sign that we just spent two hours together. None were visible.

The driver who dropped me off that night seemed more concerned with my safe return home than my date. At least the driver waited until I was in the gate before he took off with a honk to acknowledge I existed.

Kiki looks into dating Disney characters

Narnia is a small place, but not as small as dating in Los Angeles with your other single girl friends.

A couple of years back I met a man named Simone on the dating sites and we texted on the app for a couple of days and exchanged numbers. We started texting and it was going well- banter, memes, and GIFs flowed. The witty to serious conversation ratio was spot on, good wait times, and things were progressing. We scheduled a Sunday brunch date- the only thing that set my radar off slightly was when he pushed the date back a couple of hours to an earlier time, but things happen so I did not think too much of it (however, this becomes important to the plot shortly.) On the Saturday before the date he called me for the first time.

I will pause here to describe Simone. His profile showed a very tall, very handsome man. In all his photos he is well dressed, with a strong beard, and a sharp hair cut. He had sent photos in his text, nothing crass, all looking recent and matching the profile- all good. Back to the story.

When I answered the phone what I heard knocked me sideways- and not in a good way. Although Simone’s number was on the screen (remember: tall, sharp, good looking) all I heard when he said hello how are you was Minnie Mouse’s voice! I thought maybe it was the connection, but no. As Simone continued to talk his voice remained the same pitch. This man could have voiced over any number of Disney shorts: Locked in Love – check, A Fancy Gentleman- check, New Shoes- check, check. If Minnie was in it Simone may have voiced it over. Was this a lucrative side hustle he had forgotten to mention? I was too stunned to say much so let this Minnie voice over talk about his background, kids, and whatever other topic he covered. When we hung up I still did not know what to do but didn’t feel right cancelling on such short notice.

That night I had dinner with the girls and we were discussing our dating lives. One of my friends mentioned that she had a date the next day with a man she had met while out. She had had to change the times because of some prior family commitments ( I know you see where this is going , dramatic irony and all) As we were discussing our respective dates’ attributes some of the qualities seemed to overlap- but were slightly off. She continued to discuss her date but then said slowly, “the only thing I can’t get passed is his voice- it’s so high pitched.” I stared at her for a minute, took out my phone and said: “is this who you are going on a date with tomorrow” and showed her a picture from the text. She took out her phone pulled out matching photos from their thread. This Minnie Mouse sounding guy was reusing photos; and, and he had moved our time back because she had had to reschedule theirs. He booked two dates in one day !

To top it all off the attributes were off because he told us different things including background and family size! Needless to say we both cancelled on him, and he still had the audacity to try and argue with us.

Kiki looks into bad decisions and terrible food sharers

The inhabitants of Narnia are nothing if not welcoming. The faun gave Lucy tea, The beavers made a whole meal for the four children, even the queen offered Edmund food and drink. I, however, can not say the same about men on the dating apps.

I once went on a date with a man named Charles. Charles and I met in person so I had an idea of his looks, personality, and overall being before our actual first date. We exchanged numbers and after a few texts he called me. He was funny but seemed a bit pretentious. When we would talk I felt like I was in a strange oneupmanship contest I had not signed up for. This should have been my first clue that something was suspicious. However, he had more endearing qualities that overrode my misgivings so I agreed to go on a date despite the highfalutin attitude.

Appropriately we went to a very shi shi foo foo place and immediately Charles began to order tar tar, eel, oysters, and other food more suitable for the inhabitants of Narnia than people- while also knowing full well I did not eat anything from the sea. All I wanted from the menu were the ribs so I spoke up and placed my order. The food came out and Charles began happily eating his orders as I was making my way through my ONE small plate. I was half done when I needed to excuse myself to the restroom (now is a good time to mention that from the time I left to my return only minutes passed. This will be important in one second.)

When I returned my ribs were gone. Gone. I look at my date, he looks at me, I look at the place where my ribs were, my date looks at where my ribs were, then I look back at my date who looks back at me and says, I finished your ribs and had the waitress take your plate. The only item I ordered, the only item I was eating he finished. He had ordered what felt like a mountain for himself but decided he should also help himself to my food too without asking or anything. After having my meal finished while on a date, I figured I could not sink any lower in the dating pool. But like Edmund facing Aslan and the witch, it turns out things could get worse.

Shortly after my date with Charles I went on a date with a man we will call Jack. Jack was a spur of the moment date. We met on Tinder, exchanged a couple of messages and then decided to meet at a local bar. I should have known it was not going to go well based on the location. I got there and Jack had already ordered a drink for himself. I sat down and we started talking. 20 minutes in and I am still watching him drink- alone- he had yet to offer to order me a drink. At that point I knew I would be leaving.

He finally asked if I wanted anything, but I said no. He got up and headed to the bar any way. A few minutes later he came back with another drink sat down and told me he has ordered himself food. It came quickly, and he started eating it. He never, at any point, offered me a bite. Not once. So I was on a date watching a man eat and drink – I could have stayed home and watched a number of more entertaining options on Netflix. It was at that point that I got up and walked out. No good bye pleasantries, nothing. It would not have mattered either as his mouth was full: he had just tucked into the other side of his nacho plate.

Kiki looks into going on a second date… three years later

A few years ago I matched with a man who we will call George. George was a great texter. Soon we exchanged numbers and made plans to meet. The day of the date he called me to let me know he “was stocky” Do I know what that means, no. But did I know why this was a relevant preemptive phone call ? Also, no. It was too late to cancel, so I would just have to figure it out when I got there.

When I show up to this date George, like the faun to Lucy, is only a little taller than me. I am now on a date with a person who is also the size of a middle schooler. If we had children I’d have to carry them around in a Polly Pocket tiny seashell purse! As for the stocky part, it was a California winter so he had on a fake puffer jacket and I could not tell- unless stocky means short?Although the date went pretty well, it did not sit right with me that if we went to the movies we would be asked where our adult was. Both of us could not be the height of a seventh grader. And so that was the end of that.

Fast forward a couple years and George suddenly starts coming up on the algorithm of my dating apps. After he showed up on the third app, I said fine- I will swipe right, we can match, have a good laugh, and move on. When we matched though, to my great surprise, George gave no indication that he even knew me! I kept messaging though thinking something would ring a bell- it did not. Then he asked for my number through the app. I was sure once he put it in his phone I would come up and he would feel as foolish as Edmund for trusting the witch. Apparently it did not come up and he kept texting as though this was our first meeting. I was a little indignant that he had not kept my number.

That is then how I ended up on a delayed second date on a Tuesday night with a man who thought this was our first date. I really believed when he saw me and we started speaking he would remember me. But when he showed up, not a shred of recognition. And I can not tell you if its is because I looked good before or now. I found myself having almost identical conversations with George. At least he was consistent with his first date banter? Oh your mom is from …. this is brand new information*. Oh your family has governmental ties- I had no idea.* And this is how the date continued. At least one of us seemed to be enjoying the date, and the other person was me.

It really was like he was that statue in the witches castle time stopped and he had no recollection of any thing that happened ! Needless to say, I have not scheduled a second (third) date with George and I probably will not be conducting any social experiments like that one at the expense of my ego.

*in my Phoebe Buffay voice

*in my Chandler voice

Kiki looks into the dating world

When Lucy entered Narnia she was confused as to why there was a lamp post in the middle of the forest; and, indeed the lamp post confused all the children. Dating itself is a confusing undertaking- especially when you find an incongruous person in the middle of the search for the ‘one.’

On a more recent dating adventure I went out with a man I will call Reid. Reid was not my usual type: long hair and so laid back I felt I should be even more anxious to make up for his relaxed air; but, he had a jaw line so strong it made Liam Hemsworth’s look lazy. Clearly, the dating world has taken its toll on me when small gestures like filling my water cup and strong jaw lines have me swooning.

I was, however, still weary because despite his kindness, when he opened his mouth and spoke it sometimes made my brain angry.* Despite our very different views I was intrigued and actually wanted to spend more time with him. Which explains why our first date lasted as long as it did.

When, for our second date, he suggested a hike my brain said no thank you, I do not want to be murdered, but it came out as, ‘Sure, sounds great’ instead and it was then I knew I was in trouble. As a side note, I hate hiking, I’ll do it, but I hate it. I do not like being dusty…or sweaty for that matter. And hiking is the least sexy thing one can do on a date.

But I found myself driving on a early afternoon in July to attempt a hike with a man I did not know but was strangely attracted to and angry at all at once. While hiking I found myself smiling. Smiling…While hiking. Who was I? My brain was still fuming but my heart was giddy. No, really who was I?

The hike turned into lunch and the head-heart situation only grew worse. It was like when Edmund was trying to understand how the queen, who offered him loukoumia, could be bad. I, like Edmund, could not understand how I could hold so many drastically different emotions for a human I just met. But I found myself listening and being enthralled by what he was saying. At the end of the second date he was all I could think about and I was looking forward to our already scheduled third date.

And this reader is where our story takes a confusing turn. Despite a successful third date and plans for a fourth set, Reid disappeared. Poof gone. I am pretty sure it took the queen more time to have the Faun picked up for harboring a human than it took him to change his mind.

Like the lamp post in the middle of the forest, what happened after date three that seemed to scare him away will remain a mystery.

*Thank you Mindy Kaling for verbalizing this sentiment

Prologue

If you were lucky, as a child you got to read C.S. Lewis’, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe- a story about 4 siblings who enter a magical world under the spell of an evil queen. If you were even luckier you saw the original mini-series on PBS during Thanksgiving break when they ran during their pledge drives, but I digress. Though some people argue that C.S. Lewis wrote this story as a biblical allegory, I disagree. The events make me believe either Mr. Lewis may have had some bad luck in the dating world or , on a more sinister level, was laying the foundation for the dating world we now inhabit.

Just look at the parallels:

Narnia, the setting of the story, is the landscape of today’s modern dating scene. It’s always winter in Narnia- and on the dating app of your choice. At least winter is punctuated by celebratory days, specifically Christmas. But Christmas does not happen in Narnia or in dating. Also, both places are cold and full of shady characters. The children in the book experience so many of the dating pitfalls it’s a wonder this book was not in the self help section right after Steve Harvey’s Date Like a Man
Continue reading “Prologue” →