The inhabitants of Narnia are nothing if not welcoming. The faun gave Lucy tea, The beavers made a whole meal for the four children, even the queen offered Edmund food and drink. I, however, can not say the same about men on the dating apps.

I once went on a date with a man named Charles. Charles and I met in person so I had an idea of his looks, personality, and overall being before our actual first date. We exchanged numbers and after a few texts he called me. He was funny but seemed a bit pretentious. When we would talk I felt like I was in a strange oneupmanship contest I had not signed up for. This should have been my first clue that something was suspicious. However, he had more endearing qualities that overrode my misgivings so I agreed to go on a date despite the highfalutin attitude.

Appropriately we went to a very shi shi foo foo place and immediately Charles began to order tar tar, eel, oysters, and other food more suitable for the inhabitants of Narnia than people- while also knowing full well I did not eat anything from the sea. All I wanted from the menu were the ribs so I spoke up and placed my order. The food came out and Charles began happily eating his orders as I was making my way through my ONE small plate. I was half done when I needed to excuse myself to the restroom (now is a good time to mention that from the time I left to my return only minutes passed. This will be important in one second.)

When I returned my ribs were gone. Gone. I look at my date, he looks at me, I look at the place where my ribs were, my date looks at where my ribs were, then I look back at my date who looks back at me and says, I finished your ribs and had the waitress take your plate. The only item I ordered, the only item I was eating he finished. He had ordered what felt like a mountain for himself but decided he should also help himself to my food too without asking or anything. After having my meal finished while on a date, I figured I could not sink any lower in the dating pool. But like Edmund facing Aslan and the witch, it turns out things could get worse.

Shortly after my date with Charles I went on a date with a man we will call Jack. Jack was a spur of the moment date. We met on Tinder, exchanged a couple of messages and then decided to meet at a local bar. I should have known it was not going to go well based on the location. I got there and Jack had already ordered a drink for himself. I sat down and we started talking. 20 minutes in and I am still watching him drink- alone- he had yet to offer to order me a drink. At that point I knew I would be leaving.

He finally asked if I wanted anything, but I said no. He got up and headed to the bar any way. A few minutes later he came back with another drink sat down and told me he has ordered himself food. It came quickly, and he started eating it. He never, at any point, offered me a bite. Not once. So I was on a date watching a man eat and drink – I could have stayed home and watched a number of more entertaining options on Netflix. It was at that point that I got up and walked out. No good bye pleasantries, nothing. It would not have mattered either as his mouth was full: he had just tucked into the other side of his nacho plate.

A few years ago I matched with a man who we will call George. George was a great texter. Soon we exchanged numbers and made plans to meet. The day of the date he called me to let me know he “was stocky” Do I know what that means, no. But did I know why this was a relevant preemptive phone call ? Also, no. It was too late to cancel, so I would just have to figure it out when I got there.

When I show up to this date George, like the faun to Lucy, is only a little taller than me. I am now on a date with a person who is also the size of a middle schooler. If we had children I’d have to carry them around in a Polly Pocket tiny seashell purse! As for the stocky part, it was a California winter so he had on a fake puffer jacket and I could not tell- unless stocky means short?Although the date went pretty well, it did not sit right with me that if we went to the movies we would be asked where our adult was. Both of us could not be the height of a seventh grader. And so that was the end of that. 

Fast forward a couple years and George suddenly starts coming up on the algorithm of my dating apps. After he showed up on the third app, I said fine- I will swipe right, we can match, have a good laugh, and move on. When we matched though, to my great surprise, George gave no indication that he even knew me!  I kept messaging though thinking something would ring a bell- it did not. Then he asked for my number through the app. I was sure once he put it in his phone I would come up and he would feel as foolish as Edmund for trusting the witch. Apparently it did not come up and he kept texting as though this was our first meeting.  I was a little indignant that he had not kept my number.

That is then how I ended up on a delayed second date on a Tuesday night with a man who thought this was our first date. I really believed when he saw me and we started speaking he would remember me. But when he showed up, not a shred of recognition. And I can not tell you if its is because I looked good before or now. I found myself having almost identical conversations with George. At least he was consistent with his first date banter? Oh your mom is from ….  this is brand new information*. Oh your family has governmental ties- I had no idea.* And this is how the date continued. At least one of us seemed to be enjoying the date, and the other person was me.  

It really was like he was that statue in the witches castle time stopped and he had no recollection of any thing that happened ! Needless to say, I have not scheduled a second (third) date with George and I probably will not be conducting any social experiments like that one at the expense of my ego.

*in my Phoebe Buffay voice

*in my Chandler voice

When Lucy entered Narnia she was confused as to why there was a lamp post in the middle of the forest; and, indeed the lamp post confused all the children.  Dating itself is a confusing undertaking- especially when you find an incongruous person in the middle of the search for the ‘one.’

On a more recent dating adventure I went out with a man I will call Reid.  Reid was not my usual type: long hair and so laid back I felt I should be even more anxious to make up for his relaxed air; but, he had a jaw line so strong it made Liam Hemsworth’s look lazy. Clearly, the dating world has taken its toll on me when small gestures like filling my water cup and strong jaw lines have me swooning.

I was, however, still weary because despite his kindness, when he opened his mouth and spoke it sometimes made my brain angry.* Despite our very different views I was intrigued and actually wanted to spend more time with him.  Which explains why our first date lasted as long as it did.

When, for our second date, he suggested a hike my brain said no thank you, I do not want to be murdered, but it came out as,  ‘Sure, sounds great’ instead and it was then I knew I was in trouble.  As a side note, I hate hiking, I’ll do it, but I hate it. I do not like being dusty…or sweaty for that matter. And hiking is the least sexy thing one can do on a date.

But I found myself driving on a early afternoon in July to attempt a hike with a man I did not know but was strangely attracted to and angry at all at once.  While hiking I found myself smiling.  Smiling…While hiking. Who was I? My brain was still fuming but my heart was giddy. No, really who was I?

The hike turned into lunch and the head-heart situation only grew worse. It was like when Edmund was trying to understand how the queen, who offered him loukoumia, could be bad. I, like Edmund, could not understand how  I could hold so many drastically different emotions for a human I just met. But I found myself listening and being enthralled by what he was saying.   At the end of the second date he was all I could think about and I was looking forward to our already scheduled third date.

And this reader is where our story takes a confusing turn. Despite a successful third date and plans for a fourth set, Reid  disappeared. Poof gone. I am pretty sure it took the queen more time to have the Faun picked up for harboring a human than it took him to change his mind.

Like the lamp post in the middle of the forest, what happened after date three that seemed to scare him away will remain a mystery.

*Thank you Mindy Kaling for verbalizing this sentiment

If you were lucky, as a child you got to read C.S. Lewis’, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe- a story about 4 siblings who enter a magical world under the spell of an evil queen. If you were even luckier you saw the original mini-series on PBS during Thanksgiving break when they ran during their pledge drives, but I digress. Though some people argue that C.S. Lewis wrote this story as a biblical allegory, I disagree. The events make me believe either Mr. Lewis may have had some bad luck in the dating world or , on a more sinister level, was laying the foundation for the dating world we now inhabit.

Just look at the parallels:

Narnia, the setting of the story, is the landscape of today’s modern dating scene. It’s always winter in Narnia- and on the dating app of your choice. At least winter is punctuated by celebratory days, specifically Christmas. But Christmas does not happen in Narnia or in dating. Also, both places are cold and full of shady characters. The children in the book experience so many of the dating pitfalls it’s a wonder this book was not in the self help section right after Steve Harvey’s Date Like a Man
Continue reading “Prologue” →