Kiki looks into armchair misogyny

In the Lion and the Witch, and the Wardrobe the white witch was angry because she always felt that she was the rightful ruler of Narnia, but had to fight to earn her place. When anyone questioned her power or authority they met her wrath and were turned to stone. One of her greatest fears: the daughters of Eve taking her power away. With the rise of the podcast and people like Andrew Tate and Joe Rogan men are being instilled with a similar fear: the daughters of Eve taking “control,” stealing their money, etc etc. This fear has made men start turning women into stone figuratively and added even more mines to the already desolate landscape of dating. I am pretty good at vetting out these types even as I swipe- their profiles give off douche vibes and say things like looking for a feminine woman, no feminists, age 45 and not looking for anything serious, there is a picture of them holding a fish, or other such markers, however, every now and then one gets by because they can hide it like the witch hid her true nature from Edmund- but not for long.

A while ago I went on a date with a man we will call Adam, who at first glance seemed put together: he had a good job, his own place, no fish photos in his profile, and in our quick phone conversation to set up the date he was polite and articulate. I was hopeful…but that quickly disappeared when he called me three times prior to me showing up for the date (in the span of an hour.) I knew it was going to go down hill but I was hungry and I hoped it would make a good story. Adam did not disappoint.

When we met up the first thing I noticed was his sudden need to dominate the conversation and his lack of awareness that someone else was mid sentence before he came storming in with his thoughts. On the phone we had a back and forth and there was an equal exchange; this was not the case in person. I could be in the middle of a thought and he would just start in without letting me finish because he ‘knew better’ (his words not mine.) If I asked a question because I didn’t hear or Adam’s point was nonsensical so I disagreed he just spoke louder and slower AT me. It’s like he had faked a conversation long enough to sound non threatening; but, that quickly came to a head when he realized I had opinions and was quicker with the wit and let’s be honest, the facts than him. He did not understand sarcasm but insisted he was very sarcastic especially when it came to certain topics. How that worked I was about to find out.

Turns out his “sarcasm” was rooted in women’s ‘need’ to have equality he stated. A topic, he said, deserved only sarcasm. I asked what that meant because I felt we were not working with the same definition of sarcasm and that seemed to send him over the edge. He began in earnest to rant on and on about how women were responsible for men’s emotions, were to stay calm in all situations even if men were acting foolish, and the demise of values was because women had become somehow blood thirsty (money hungry) and were trying to take men’s power away and control them. He even went as far as saying women control men’s reproductive rights. You should also know he believed this to be an American problem because in other cultures women knew ‘their role.’ I think he wanted to say “their place” but stopped just short of that. To be clear none of what he said was done so ironically he meant every word. I wondered, as he was spewing his foolishness, how this person with so much vitriol against women was on a dating app looking to court women – clearly it wasn’t women he was trying to be with.

When questioned about actual laws that existed protecting men rather than women he was unaware of them- his words were, “I don’t know anything about that.” When questioned about men’s behavior teaching women how to act or men creating the system and now women were using it for their advancement his brain almost locked up with this new thought and could go no further. He quickly ended the date. At least the white witch attempted to take on the daughter’s of Eve- Adam wasn’t even going to try.

Kiki looks into quiet quitters

if you’ve been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you — you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing was ever going to happen again. ~ c.s lewis

Dating is hard- finding someone to trust and who I want to spend time with is hard; but, nothing is more difficult than finding that person, connecting, and then watching the person who once felt safe step back just as I am teetering on the edge. Someone quietly quitting is a heartbreak all it’s own. At least when someone ghosts I don’t have to watch the relationship disintegrate day by day right in front of me. With ghosting they are gone- there is no lingering there is a finality that does not come with a quiet quitter.*

After many, many a first date, the first date with Sebastian seemed like a sigh of relief like I could finally relax. Conversation was easy from the beginning and there was a lot of laughter. No catfishing, no Disney character voices, everything seemed to align. As a side note – I have found it is best when I like someone to be exactly who I am that way they know what they are in for- begin as you mean to go on is my motto. So if Sebastian really was in it as he claimed many times over it was best to be who I would be throughout so he knew. I was untrusting and we hurdled several ptsd flashbacks, but he took it all in stride. He was consistent and reliable. He kept showing up – until he didn’t.

Almost three months from our first date he began to shut me out. Not all at once but slowly. First the messages dried up, he’d text just enough so I knew he was there. Then response times went from minutes to hours. What used to be voice texts throughout the day became one voice text, if I asked. And even his tones changed. Long phone conversations that lasted hours with no one wanting to hang up suddenly felt heavy on his end like an obligation or chore- if they happened at all. The Sebastian who had courted and pursued me decided he’d had enough now that we were in a relationship. The vulnerability and emotion he’d shown was tucked neatly back in and a wall went up. Numerous attempts to ask what was going on were thwarted. And of course the more I pushed the further he stepped back.

I can’t explain to someone what they are unwilling to see. So, although I knew all the reasons he was acting this way he refused to accept it or even admit that anything had changed. Here I was spinning in pools of anxiety, the worse of me coming out in this relationship with a person who was one foot in one foot out. The tangible things to point to as issues, Sebastian insisted were just some voodoo emotional stuff on my end. All I could do was watch him step further and further back like the meme of Homer Simpson sliding into the bushes and nothing would stop the slide. Deciding whether or not to walk away from a person who once made me feel safe is no small feat. It does a number on the psyche.**

* ghosting as a term doesn’t make sense because ghosts hang around much like the quiet quitter actually but I don’t make the labels

** The quiet quitter has officially become a ghoster

Kiki looks into the positive side of dating

Dating is a winter wasteland, because even on the best of days things rarely work out. Although I always talk about the terrible dates, even the most pleasant dates rarely move forward. Because, like the deep magic of Narnia, things always seem to work out for the witch rather than the sons of Adam and daughters of Eve.

I once matched with a lovely human named Kent. He was always so positive on the phone and in messages. Not in a fake way or a way that was annoying as some cheerily people tend to be but in an endearing way. Like Aslan,who always kept calm in the worst of situations, so Kent kept cheerful.

Our date was at LA Live on a Friday night. This was no small feat especially without a reservation. But despite the long waits and crowds he was so positive and calming. Nothing fazed him. We walked around as we waited for the beeping of our restaurant tracker and he was just amazed by everything. Like Alec Baldwin’s character in ‘Friends,’ he complimented the most arbitrary of things. “Just look at all these brake lights glowing like the light of a thousand ferries. *” And on and on just over the top enthusiasm about the crowds, the restaurants, all the mundane things we passed were somehow fascinating to him. Although Baldwin’s character was grating after a while, Kent was less so and I think it was because it just seemed so natural for him to be amazed by everything. Our conversation was just as fascinating to him. He spoke in glowing terms about life, his job, and anytime I had something to say it was a two minute praise session about what I had said. It was like having my own hype person. Despite what could have been a miserable experience it was refreshing to watch someone be so open and energized. I don’t know if that says something about me or dating in general.

In the end we had a wonderful time and his upbeat attitude only added to that. Even though there was no spark it was nice to go on a date that was successful overall and did not end in a more positive Uber ride than the date itself. However, because of the type of blog this is – we know this story does not end with me in a partnership. The next day I received the kindest ‘this isn’t going anywhere, let’s not see each other again’ text I have ever read. And have yet to get anything nicer since.

*The One in Massapequa

Kiki looks into catfishing

Cat fishing is defined as a deceptive activity in which a person creates a fictional persona or fake identity on a social networking service for the purpose of fraud. Be on dating apps long enough and one will experience at least one catfish. Technically, Lucy was also cat fished by Mr Tumnus the faun. His plan was actually to kidnap her and take her to the queen but later changed his mind. Much like these dates.

The first time I was catfished my date never showed up. Prior to the date he communicated through text and the app. The day of the date as I was driving to meet him he blocked me on the phone and then by the time I walked up to the restaurant he had deleted me from the app. As I circled around the place there were only groups seated. Not a solo person to be found. Inquiries to staff lead nowhere they had not seen a singleton at the place in hours. As I walked back to my car I was panicking- this man knew what I looked but I had no idea of his appearance. I watch a lot of Criminal Minds so my pepper spray was at the ready. However, one time when a catfish did show up there was awkwardness a plenty.

I matched with Kacey who seemed normal in his photos and bio. After riveting conversation he planned a great date at a fancy restaurant. A man picking a place, time, day, and making a reservation for a date is not the usual so I probably should have known something was up. When I showed up it all became very clear. The man who was seated at the table was definitely not the man in the photos. Not in the completely separate person way, but rather the photos were clearly from his glory days in college. Kacey’s hairline had definitely moved back and his face had aged not as gracefully as he probably would have liked. He clearly knew what he was doing was wrong and seemed to want to make up for it through planning. Like the queen he felt he had to lavish gifts to hide his duplicity. In this case it was through order after order of food even after I only wanted one dish he asked for several items. Conversation was halting unlike on the phone because at that point the sham was up. It’s like he just kept ordering food to lengthen the date. It was a painful couple of hours.

I was able to finally get my Uber but Kacey insisted on waiting with me, unlike some prior dates. After what can best be described as an air side hug I jumped into the Uber and the driver said, “Ooph that was awkward, huh?” I asked him if it was that noticeable- he answered: “ Even Stevie Wonder could see that this was a bad date.” We drove home exchanging dating horror stories and laughing.