Kiki looks into catfishing

Cat fishing is defined as a deceptive activity in which a person creates a fictional persona or fake identity on a social networking service for the purpose of fraud. Be on dating apps long enough and one will experience at least one catfish. Technically, Lucy was also cat fished by Mr Tumnus the faun. His plan was actually to kidnap her and take her to the queen but later changed his mind. Much like these dates.

The first time I was catfished my date never showed up. Prior to the date he communicated through text and the app. The day of the date as I was driving to meet him he blocked me on the phone and then by the time I walked up to the restaurant he had deleted me from the app. As I circled around the place there were only groups seated. Not a solo person to be found. Inquiries to staff lead nowhere they had not seen a singleton at the place in hours. As I walked back to my car I was panicking- this man knew what I looked but I had no idea of his appearance. I watch a lot of Criminal Minds so my pepper spray was at the ready. However, one time when a catfish did show up there was awkwardness a plenty.

I matched with Kacey who seemed normal in his photos and bio. After riveting conversation he planned a great date at a fancy restaurant. A man picking a place, time, day, and making a reservation for a date is not the usual so I probably should have known something was up. When I showed up it all became very clear. The man who was seated at the table was definitely not the man in the photos. Not in the completely separate person way, but rather the photos were clearly from his glory days in college. Kacey’s hairline had definitely moved back and his face had aged not as gracefully as he probably would have liked. He clearly knew what he was doing was wrong and seemed to want to make up for it through planning. Like the queen he felt he had to lavish gifts to hide his duplicity. In this case it was through order after order of food even after I only wanted one dish he asked for several items. Conversation was halting unlike on the phone because at that point the sham was up. It’s like he just kept ordering food to lengthen the date. It was a painful couple of hours.

I was able to finally get my Uber but Kacey insisted on waiting with me, unlike some prior dates. After what can best be described as an air side hug I jumped into the Uber and the driver said, “Ooph that was awkward, huh?” I asked him if it was that noticeable- he answered: “ Even Stevie Wonder could see that this was a bad date.” We drove home exchanging dating horror stories and laughing.

Kiki looks into humor

Everyone has an origin story, and before I knew that the dating world was a Narnian winter wasteland with witches, betrayal, and a lot of ice I had my very first tinder match a long, long time ago. I matched with a man we will call Joe. Because I was so new, we texted quite a bit on the app before exchanging numbers. He seemed to be very funny in text- that’s what got me. Then after a while, I gave him my number and the humor continued across the phone. It wasn’t until after we met that I realized he wasn’t funny at all, he was just not very bright. What I had interpreted as humor in text was just him having a conversation. It was almost the Key and Peele skit about the text conversation.*

At the time I knew none of this though and believed I was going on a date with a human who had a good sense of humor. After numerous exchanges we made plans to meet at a bar. When I got there, he looked exactly like his photos (at the time I didnt know about catfishing more on that in the future) and the date seemed to be going well except unlike his text, he was not chatty.. at all. I carried most of the conversation. I started wondering if I had been Cyrano’d through text. But the exact moment I realized that his humor was, in fact, him being serious, was the following exchange: We had been discussing his job and somehow Chelsea Handler came up – I can not remember the details now- I love her so I said to him: “I love her standup. She is so funny. ” And he replies deadpan: “No she doesn’t stand up. She sits behind that desk.” At first I thought- ohh finally there you are Joe, there is that jokester. I paused and looked at him and he looked at me with no trace of sarcasm. So I said again: “Yes, on her show but I also love her stand up. And he kept looking at me, confusion just deepening. He responds again “ No, she is the one that sits behind the desk. Maybe we are talking about two different people. She is the one that sits behind the desk and says the news and the jokes. She doesn’t stand up.” We went back and forth a couple of times I laughingly, but he was not breaking and left little room to argue and at that point I realized I had met a very literal person.

I figured at that point it could not get any worse so chose to move on. He had his hands on the bar and I noticed that there was a scar on one so I asked him where he got that from and he answered, “oh my wife and I got into a fight a long time ago.” I said “oh that is bad. Do you mean your ex-wife?” He responds with: “Well we’re separated, not divorced though.” At that point, I realized I had not asked enough questions about whether or not he was single. I had just assumed it because he was on a dating app so I proceeded to ask him questions: I said: “Oh, so you are getting a divorce? He answered in the affirmative, but added that they still lived in the same home. My reply: “ That must be difficult – so you live in different rooms?” (I felt the need to ask obvious questions based on the above interactions.) He said “No we’re in the same room.” Excuse me, sir ? He ended with “Yes, we share the bed. I have one side and she has the other.” At that point it was time to make my exit and I was grateful I had only ordered soda water.

Sir, you are not single, you are not separated, you are still in a whole ass marriage. I was single on a dating app and his stupid self was both married and dating. Why I continued to try and find love on the internet after that first encounter is a mystery.

* Key and Peele

Kiki looks into time

Time is a social construct this is evidenced by the fact that Greek people, like me, can never really be on time to anything- including dates. However, I try my best, am only a few minutes late, and always tell my date if I do happen to be running behind. In Narnia time also seems to stop. When Lucy entered Narnia hours passed before she went back through the wardrobe. In the real world no more than five minutes had passed. The same happened when all four children went to Narnia: although they felt that they spent days there, it was only a few hours that had passed when they re-entered their world. This time holding still seems to happen to some of my dates as well- sadly, it’s never ones that turn out okay rather I am just waiting to end up disappointed or disturbed.

A while ago, I went on a date with Walter, whom I matched with and who was pretty inconsistent in the texting or would try and make a plan, but never actually follow through on the day of said plan (now is not the time to ask why I then agree to make a follow up date.) When we had finally chosen another day that worked for both of us there were still very vague details about time – after some football game he said, and location – I’ ll come to you he insisted. When said day came and no details were forthcoming early on he was shocked to find I would need some time to get ready, because he was: “twenty minutes away from you.” His exact words when he found out I was not prepped were, “you haven’t been waiting for me on the edge of your seat this whole time?” (Again, now is not the time to question my judgement.) Once we settled on a time I got ready and headed out the door. I drove myself there and then, although he was only “twenty minutes away” I arrived before him and began to wait. Then he texted me to tell me he was running about 10 minutes late although 10 minutes had already passed from the original start time. Then he called a few minutes later to tell me he would actually be later, that was followed by another phone call where he said he had to stop somewhere. So although he was originally only minutes away he turned up 45 minutes late.

We sat down and the waitress brought us our menus. When she came to take our orders, I was the only one who actually ordered anything. He didn’t even get a drink. He did take the liberty of questioning the waitress about the menu though like how many calories were in the food I had just ordered or what were the ingredients and also why she didn’t know how many calories were in the food. Then he made her go back and ask the cook how many calories were in the food; he kept insisting on knowing the nutrition information for my food. I on the other hand was mortified he was being so abrupt about something he wasn’t even ordering. When my food came, I did offer him some and he promptly ate more than half of it. I guess he really did need that information after all. When the bill came it couldn’t have totaled more than $10. He reached for the bill to pay I made the polite gesture of asking if he wanted to split it (my fault again) and he said yes. I don’t know why I wasn’t expecting that after the earlier shenanigans it should’ve been a given. However, when I took out my credit card to pay since I didn’t have cash he started mocking me for not having cash and wondering why I was going to pay three dollars on my credit card as if, again, it were his credit card or he would get charged a minimum use fine. I became so infuriated I just said I’m gonna pay this whole bill and you can leave the tip- which he did in the form of one dollar. So I waited an hour for a man to eat my food, have me pay for it, and harass the waitress in the process. A couple of days later he texted to ask when our next date was: I wonder if he still waiting for my response.

This was not the last time a man would be late for a date. Fast forward to earlier this year I went on a date with a man I matched with named Conner. He was prompt in all his responses and seemed very genuine in his interest asking me about my day and so on I was not suspicious of what was to come. We picked a time that worked for both of us, but on the day of he kept pushing the time back even after I asked if we should just reschedule to accommodate what was coming up. He insisted he would make it and only be a few minutes late. He proceeded to be an hour late. This hour of his absences was actually the best part of the date.

When he got there, he ordered himself a beer and a shot to start with, and then proceeded to tell me what a great guy he was, how nice he was, how he gave everybody a chance, how he was so loving. Conner just went on and on most of the date talking about himself except when he asked me about myself and then cut me off to tell me more about himself. He started making sexual references right when that shot kicked in. I felt bad for the waiter who had to listen and didn’t know whether to laugh (his job depends on tips) or not; he kept giving me pity looks- a small comfort really. As the date wore on, Conner ordered himself another beer and kept drinking and talking about himself. Then he started asking if I wanted to go back to his place and that he lives nearby and am I sure I do not want to go back to his place. I was very insistent on not going. When he realized it was not going anywhere he excused himself to pay the tab. As he is walking back he stops to talk to a waitress. I become distracted by some drunk who stumbled over to the table to talk to me. I told him I was on a date and he left. When I look back to see where my date had been standing with the waitress neither of them are anywhere in sight. He and the waitress have disappeared.

I waited some time and my date did not return. At that point I figured he paid the bill, it was his credit card he gave anyway to open the tab so I left. When I got to my car I got a text message from Conner insisting that I should have come home with him as we would’ve had a great time: followed by a d#ck pic. It’s 2022 who still sends d#ck pics?

Kiki looks into dating from the other side … part two

Warning: Some offensive thoughts- (not mine)

I do not think anyone has gone on a date with me and thought wow this girl is holding it down mentally. I know how I am and it’s best to get it out early on- I am not trying to fool anyone into dating me. Simultaneously, I do come across somewhat like I have it together – Get you someone who can do both is what I say. Unlike the last date story posted, which left me reeling in the aftermath as to what happened, for this next “side of their story” post, this man made it very clear what he thought of me by the end.

Early in the dating world of apps I was not aware of the three in app messages, exchange numbers, three phone texts, and then set up a date. So when I matched with Chad and he asked me out on the first message I thought that is how these things worked. We agreed to meet at a local place. As it turns out, the one word or sentence phrase was just how Chad was. Immediately asking someone out was not how it was done, it’s just how Chad did it because he had little to say. During the course of the date there were a lot of one word, answers, and one-sided conversations on my part. That is until we stumbled upon books we’d read.

When I tell you that Chad had immersed himself in the book The Secret it would not be enough. It would not cover how much he had absorbed the book. Similar to how the Witch covered all of Narnia in snow and misery so Chad had covered his entire personality, mindset, and self in The Secret. At this point the man who had previously been giving one word answers was speaking at length about the concepts of the book. I learned his life story as it related to the book. I learned about his dating history as it related to the book, I learned about… you get the picture. At this point in the date the tables had turned and I must have seemed like the one not having much to say.

The positive mindset and manifesting scenarios seemed harmless until he started suggesting that homeless people could use the power of the secret to help better their situation. If only they thought more positively they would have a better chance of escaping this traume. And unfortunately that belief was not even the strangest. As shocked as Edmund was to find all the frozen creatures in the witches castle, I was even more perplexed by what I was listening to as Chad continued to speak.

Neither the above part nor this next part do I say lightly, it’s just the context was so perplexing that for a moment I thought I might have been on an episode of Punk’d. Chad has now moved on from his homelessness philosophy to his next beliefs about the application of the secret. He stated that people with special needs, mental illness, and physical ailments could be “cured” as he said by living the teachings of The Secret. It is at this point in our date, that my phone, sitting on the table the whole time vibrates, and the Shazam app opens seemingly by itself. I stare at him and jokingly say I think they’re listening to us. Then shout “I know you’re there.” This man, who believes all the world’s problems are fixed through positive thinking, looks at me, and with a straight face says, “Are you crazy? I thought he was being facetious. But he adds to his comment, “who would be listening?” He genuinely believes I may be slightly off. I was expecting a lesson from The Secret that may be able to help me. Instead he signals to the waiter for the check and frantically moves to pay it so we can leave. Chad really thought I was losing it and rather than help me with his lessons from The Secret is in a hurry to put distance between us. So much for his humanitarian efforts.

The next day as I am driving down one of our main streets I happen to pass by Chad walking down the road with a new girl on what can best be described as an ice cream date. I had to fight back the urge to roll down the window and shout run girl.

Kiki looks into dating from the other side

The tale of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe is told from an outside perspective and one that is slanted against the witch. We will never know if there was a misunderstanding- she could have been misrepresented. The omniscient narrator could have had a beef with the queen or a general dislike for winter weather. Unless someone writes an opposite narrative like Jon Scieszka’s, The True Story of the Three Little Pigs, we won’t really ever know the whole story. Dating is similar that way, I am the narrator of my own circumstances I have my side and my date-es have there’s. I have gone home from more than a few thinking it was a win to never hear from them again and I am sure the same has happened from their perspective as well. These are unfinished stories: no beginning middle or end and that is how they will remain so. One, however, left me so bewildered I still wonder what happened.

Amir and I met the traditional late 2000 teen way on an app, chatted briefly, and set up a date near by. I Ubered to our date the night of because it was Friday and I felt like having one drink. I arrived a little early and got us a table. He was punctual and once we were settled in things were going very well. We chatted easily, had several things in common, and even though the food order was a bit delayed there was a lot of laughter on both sides. I took that as a good sign- clearly it was not. At almost nine o’clock on the dot -once the bill came and went – Amir suddenly stood up and said I am going now. No explanation, just I am going now. Was I being Cinderellad? Was I the Prince in this situation? What had I missed? Perhaps two hours was too long for a date I thought, but we were having fun, weren’t we ? I did not understand the unexpected ending. Nonetheless, he gets up to leave and I follow, at this point very confused. This is the least confused I would be, as it turns out.

I let Amir know that I have to wait for my Uber since there was no warning of an end. He stares at me and reluctantly says he can wait with me but I can tell it is very much not what he wants to do. I let him know it is fine for him to leave. At this point he gives me the most awkward of side hugs (I can quite literally feel his hip bone on my rib cage) and then proceeds to go left of where I am. A few minutes later as I remain rooted in the same spot he had just left me, waiting for my ride, he walks by me once more. Presumably he had forgotten where he parked. But, when he walks by he does not acknowledge I am there. In. The. Same. Spot. Does not do one of those awkward waves, bashful laughs oops don’t remember where I parked- nothing. Just walks right by me in silence staring straight ahead no acknowledgment that we had just shared a meal or even of my presence. Just walked right on by. I tracked him from left to right like I was watching a very slow tennis game for any sign that we just spent two hours together. None were visible.

The driver who dropped me off that night seemed more concerned with my safe return home than my date. At least the driver waited until I was in the gate before he took off with a honk to acknowledge I existed.

Kiki looks into dating Disney characters

Narnia is a small place, but not as small as dating in Los Angeles with your other single girl friends.

A couple of years back I met a man named Simone on the dating sites and we texted on the app for a couple of days and exchanged numbers. We started texting and it was going well- banter, memes, and GIFs flowed. The witty to serious conversation ratio was spot on, good wait times, and things were progressing. We scheduled a Sunday brunch date- the only thing that set my radar off slightly was when he pushed the date back a couple of hours to an earlier time, but things happen so I did not think too much of it (however, this becomes important to the plot shortly.) On the Saturday before the date he called me for the first time.

I will pause here to describe Simone. His profile showed a very tall, very handsome man. In all his photos he is well dressed, with a strong beard, and a sharp hair cut. He had sent photos in his text, nothing crass, all looking recent and matching the profile- all good. Back to the story.

When I answered the phone what I heard knocked me sideways- and not in a good way. Although Simone’s number was on the screen (remember: tall, sharp, good looking) all I heard when he said hello how are you was Minnie Mouse’s voice! I thought maybe it was the connection, but no. As Simone continued to talk his voice remained the same pitch. This man could have voiced over any number of Disney shorts: Locked in Love – check, A Fancy Gentleman- check, New Shoes- check, check. If Minnie was in it Simone may have voiced it over. Was this a lucrative side hustle he had forgotten to mention? I was too stunned to say much so let this Minnie voice over talk about his background, kids, and whatever other topic he covered. When we hung up I still did not know what to do but didn’t feel right cancelling on such short notice.

That night I had dinner with the girls and we were discussing our dating lives. One of my friends mentioned that she had a date the next day with a man she had met while out. She had had to change the times because of some prior family commitments ( I know you see where this is going , dramatic irony and all) As we were discussing our respective dates’ attributes some of the qualities seemed to overlap- but were slightly off. She continued to discuss her date but then said slowly, “the only thing I can’t get passed is his voice- it’s so high pitched.” I stared at her for a minute, took out my phone and said: “is this who you are going on a date with tomorrow” and showed her a picture from the text. She took out her phone pulled out matching photos from their thread. This Minnie Mouse sounding guy was reusing photos; and, and he had moved our time back because she had had to reschedule theirs. He booked two dates in one day !

To top it all off the attributes were off because he told us different things including background and family size! Needless to say we both cancelled on him, and he still had the audacity to try and argue with us.