Kiki looks into being stood up

In The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe there is a time when Aslan leaves the children despite their victories. He leaves quietly when no one is really looking. And will continue to come and go throughout their lives. I have been in on again off again relationships- but the on again off again dater, who has a similar philosophy, is a bit trickier because it is hard to tell when they may decide to stand you up. However, like Peter going into battle sans Aslan, one must always be ready for the unexpected.

Frances and I met while we were both out through mutual friend groups. We hit it off and exchanged numbers that night. Our first date was a success. We laughed, we ate and then we met up with our mutual friends for drinks. Things seemed to be off to a solid start.

After the first date we continued to talk and exchange texts. We planned our second date- a meal at a local restaurant in a nearby hotspot.

The night of said date I drove to the shoreline area we would be meeting. There was an unexpected event at this place so parking was a challenge. I had to circle a few times but was able to find parking. I sent Frances a text that I was on my way up to the restaurant after the parking challenges. As I am walking into the place Frances replies to me saying that he couldn’t find parking so has decided to head home. No other follow up text. Just his decision to leave me at the place.

I am not one to be stood up so marched myself right to my car and proceed to drive to his apartment (you can surmise how I know where he lives) when I arrive I do not see his car and he does not answer the door so I sit myself down on the curb to wait his arrival. Fifteen minutes later and he is walking up – I do not know how I beat him to his own home but I have a few guesses. When he sees me sitting on the curb I can tell his brain is not registering the picture in front of him, I use this moment to say: “I was promised a meal” and just stare at him. With that, he mumbles a few local places we could try and we walk ourselves to the now closed Thai place. Dinner was a solemn event that went by rather quickly. I never got an answer that made sense as to why he would drive to a place and then leave knowing someone was waiting for him. Parking was bad but one could find spots. Needless to say there was not a third date.

I have been stood up once while I was at a bar waiting for my date (not a cat fish we had met in person and gone out a couple of times.) When he was a no call no show, I venmo requested that man the price of my drink since he was the one who offered to buy me one in the first place. My bank account is still minus that drink order.

Kiki looks into catfishing

Cat fishing is defined as a deceptive activity in which a person creates a fictional persona or fake identity on a social networking service for the purpose of fraud. Be on dating apps long enough and one will experience at least one catfish. Technically, Lucy was also cat fished by Mr Tumnus the faun. His plan was actually to kidnap her and take her to the queen but later changed his mind. Much like these dates.

The first time I was catfished my date never showed up. Prior to the date he communicated through text and the app. The day of the date as I was driving to meet him he blocked me on the phone and then by the time I walked up to the restaurant he had deleted me from the app. As I circled around the place there were only groups seated. Not a solo person to be found. Inquiries to staff lead nowhere they had not seen a singleton at the place in hours. As I walked back to my car I was panicking- this man knew what I looked but I had no idea of his appearance. I watch a lot of Criminal Minds so my pepper spray was at the ready. However, one time when a catfish did show up there was awkwardness a plenty.

I matched with Kacey who seemed normal in his photos and bio. After riveting conversation he planned a great date at a fancy restaurant. A man picking a place, time, day, and making a reservation for a date is not the usual so I probably should have known something was up. When I showed up it all became very clear. The man who was seated at the table was definitely not the man in the photos. Not in the completely separate person way, but rather the photos were clearly from his glory days in college. Kacey’s hairline had definitely moved back and his face had aged not as gracefully as he probably would have liked. He clearly knew what he was doing was wrong and seemed to want to make up for it through planning. Like the queen he felt he had to lavish gifts to hide his duplicity. In this case it was through order after order of food even after I only wanted one dish he asked for several items. Conversation was halting unlike on the phone because at that point the sham was up. It’s like he just kept ordering food to lengthen the date. It was a painful couple of hours.

I was able to finally get my Uber but Kacey insisted on waiting with me, unlike some prior dates. After what can best be described as an air side hug I jumped into the Uber and the driver said, “Ooph that was awkward, huh?” I asked him if it was that noticeable- he answered: “ Even Stevie Wonder could see that this was a bad date.” We drove home exchanging dating horror stories and laughing.

Kiki looks into humor

Everyone has an origin story, and before I knew that the dating world was a Narnian winter wasteland with witches, betrayal, and a lot of ice I had my very first tinder match a long, long time ago. I matched with a man we will call Joe. Because I was so new, we texted quite a bit on the app before exchanging numbers. He seemed to be very funny in text- that’s what got me. Then after a while, I gave him my number and the humor continued across the phone. It wasn’t until after we met that I realized he wasn’t funny at all, he was just not very bright. What I had interpreted as humor in text was just him having a conversation. It was almost the Key and Peele skit about the text conversation.*

At the time I knew none of this though and believed I was going on a date with a human who had a good sense of humor. After numerous exchanges we made plans to meet at a bar. When I got there, he looked exactly like his photos (at the time I didnt know about catfishing more on that in the future) and the date seemed to be going well except unlike his text, he was not chatty.. at all. I carried most of the conversation. I started wondering if I had been Cyrano’d through text. But the exact moment I realized that his humor was, in fact, him being serious, was the following exchange: We had been discussing his job and somehow Chelsea Handler came up – I can not remember the details now- I love her so I said to him: “I love her standup. She is so funny. ” And he replies deadpan: “No she doesn’t stand up. She sits behind that desk.” At first I thought- ohh finally there you are Joe, there is that jokester. I paused and looked at him and he looked at me with no trace of sarcasm. So I said again: “Yes, on her show but I also love her stand up. And he kept looking at me, confusion just deepening. He responds again “ No, she is the one that sits behind the desk. Maybe we are talking about two different people. She is the one that sits behind the desk and says the news and the jokes. She doesn’t stand up.” We went back and forth a couple of times I laughingly, but he was not breaking and left little room to argue and at that point I realized I had met a very literal person.

I figured at that point it could not get any worse so chose to move on. He had his hands on the bar and I noticed that there was a scar on one so I asked him where he got that from and he answered, “oh my wife and I got into a fight a long time ago.” I said “oh that is bad. Do you mean your ex-wife?” He responds with: “Well we’re separated, not divorced though.” At that point, I realized I had not asked enough questions about whether or not he was single. I had just assumed it because he was on a dating app so I proceeded to ask him questions: I said: “Oh, so you are getting a divorce? He answered in the affirmative, but added that they still lived in the same home. My reply: “ That must be difficult – so you live in different rooms?” (I felt the need to ask obvious questions based on the above interactions.) He said “No we’re in the same room.” Excuse me, sir ? He ended with “Yes, we share the bed. I have one side and she has the other.” At that point it was time to make my exit and I was grateful I had only ordered soda water.

Sir, you are not single, you are not separated, you are still in a whole ass marriage. I was single on a dating app and his stupid self was both married and dating. Why I continued to try and find love on the internet after that first encounter is a mystery.

* Key and Peele