Kiki looks into break ups

People date for all kinds of reasons but generally dating really has an inevitable progression or an end. Clearly my dating adventures have only gone one way. I have had more first dates than there exist frozen creatures in Narnia. I have very rarely gone on many second or third dates. The last post was my most emotional one and the only one written in real time. Although I am still reeling from that heart ache I have decided to continue down the break up path for at least one more post; but this one is much lighter – I promise.

Despite having been dumped several times over the years, it is rare that I even get the chance to break up with someone. But when I do you know it is going to be the most ridiculous time. I was dating someone very casually (read that as you will). It wasn’t going anywhere and I was not interested in continuing it. I knew that I had to end it with Seamus and felt like I should do it in person. Coincidentally, he asked me to dinner shortly after I made that mental decision so I took him up on that offer. I would quickly come to regret attempting to carry out this break up in public.

We agreed to meet at the restaurant where we had our first date, he was already seated when I got there. I spotted him and went to join. I had no sooner sat down and opened the menu that I started crying. Not for any sentimental reason but just thinking about all that he was about to lose: I mean look at all of this I felt bad for him- I kid. He had not noticed yet so was asking me questions about food: what I was going to order, did I want a drink but at that point I was full force sobbing- almost ugly crying if you will- so couldn’t answer. Just as I looked up at him to answer the waitress appeared at our table and is taking in the situation. Seamus was just as shook as her. She didn’t really know what to do any more than he did so we asked her for more time and she walked away.

It is at this point in the evening that I unleashed on this human. But not about what I had intended. No, rather it was a list of things that seemed more like I wanted him to commit. I started telling him that he should take me out more if he liked me so much. I even found myself saying I didn’t think we wanted the same things. Where did he even see this going? I can not emphasize enough that this was a casual relationship (again, read that as you will) and my intent from the minute I walked in was to break up with him. But the words coming out were more like I wanted him to enter into a committed relationship with me. I did not. For some reason I was not able to stop the flood of words that leaned heavily towards be my boyfriend. I remember asking him if he even saw himself married or with kids. The waitress came back at the exact moment I am asking him his marriage plans and can do nothing but take our order as quickly as possible then slink away. Clearly her timing was impeccable and I am sure she was as embarrassed as him.

When she left Seamus started explaining that he was busy with work and it wasn’t that he wasn’t interested in committing, it was just a little early in dating. Obviously. He said he didn’t even realize these were things I wanted because again – casual. This is not how I saw this going at all. What followed for the remainder of the evening was a lot of awkward silences and small talk. When the food came we ate pretty quickly and the rest of the evening played out like a couple who had just had a public fight but nothing had been resolved yet.

I took myself home after dinner and then a few days later texted him a break up, blocked him, and hopefully he and the waitress have moved on and look back at this as a funny(horror) story they can tell.

Kiki looks into dating outfits

When the children went into the wardrobe they felt the cold as they neared the back of the closet closest to Narnia and put on the fancy coats hanging there. When the witch was finally defeated and spring came they were able to shed the coats. They returned to their home without them hoping they would not be missed. Dating out fits may not be as easy to put together but are just as important as choosing what to wear to protect against the elements. Trying to figure out what to wear depending on day, time, and activity though can lead to some ridiculous situations.

I once went on a date with a man who wore tore up jeans and a graphic t-shirt. That, in and of itself isn’t necessarily, bad except that the t-shirt was one of those ones with a buxom women on it in a somewhat compromising position ( it should be noted that he told me he was coming right from work- I did not ask a lot of follow up questions about his job after that for my own safety.) But what could be expected from a man who ordered pickled eggs on a first date, ate them with his hands, and looked at me quizzically while continuing to wipe his hands on his pants as I offered him a napkin. However, the story below stands out not for what my date wore but what I did.

Dimitri and I decided to go on a walking date. This became more popular in the pandemic but this was just before so I guess we were setting a trend. We agreed to meet at a known work out trail by the beach- I figured athleisure wear would be acceptable. As we know I do not do work out dates- unwittingly, this was the closest I would get to it.

When I walked up to meet my date no jogger pant, basketball short, not even a tennis shoe in sight on this man. While my date donned a nice pair of shorts and a polo shirt I had on a sports bra under my workout tee and sweatshirt with leggings. In this case I was the one with the graphic tee shirt, so to speak. It was too late to turn around so there we were Beauty and the Sweaty Betty.* I, of course, questioned his outfit based on our plans and he stated that what he meant was a leisurely stroll so felt that the outfit was appropriate.

With that said we proceeded to walk 4 miles round trip. As we were on the trail I could feel people staring at this odd combo: me wearing what seemed like appropriate workout attire next to a man who looked like he would be better suited on a boat in the ocean next to us rather than this path. As we neared the three mile mark I could tell my shoes were much better suited and his feet were probably killing him in those Sperry knock offs. Despite that, he was the one insistent we keep walking. At this point I was in need of refueling with a protein bar, shake, something, anything to get us back to our point of origin.

A smoothie for me later, we were nearing the park we had met at and passed my house, but I was not about to tell Dimitri that. When we reached our meeting spot I high-fived him- it felt apt based on the fact that this date had turned into a workout- All in all I walked four and a half miles and finished at home with some sit ups to round out leg day. Dimitri did try to make follow up dates but I was not interested in a workout buddy.

*unrelated to the clothing company

Kiki looks into the positive side of dating

Dating is a winter wasteland, because even on the best of days things rarely work out. Although I always talk about the terrible dates, even the most pleasant dates rarely move forward. Because, like the deep magic of Narnia, things always seem to work out for the witch rather than the sons of Adam and daughters of Eve.

I once matched with a lovely human named Kent. He was always so positive on the phone and in messages. Not in a fake way or a way that was annoying as some cheerily people tend to be but in an endearing way. Like Aslan,who always kept calm in the worst of situations, so Kent kept cheerful.

Our date was at LA Live on a Friday night. This was no small feat especially without a reservation. But despite the long waits and crowds he was so positive and calming. Nothing fazed him. We walked around as we waited for the beeping of our restaurant tracker and he was just amazed by everything. Like Alec Baldwin’s character in ‘Friends,’ he complimented the most arbitrary of things. “Just look at all these brake lights glowing like the light of a thousand ferries. *” And on and on just over the top enthusiasm about the crowds, the restaurants, all the mundane things we passed were somehow fascinating to him. Although Baldwin’s character was grating after a while, Kent was less so and I think it was because it just seemed so natural for him to be amazed by everything. Our conversation was just as fascinating to him. He spoke in glowing terms about life, his job, and anytime I had something to say it was a two minute praise session about what I had said. It was like having my own hype person. Despite what could have been a miserable experience it was refreshing to watch someone be so open and energized. I don’t know if that says something about me or dating in general.

In the end we had a wonderful time and his upbeat attitude only added to that. Even though there was no spark it was nice to go on a date that was successful overall and did not end in a more positive Uber ride than the date itself. However, because of the type of blog this is – we know this story does not end with me in a partnership. The next day I received the kindest ‘this isn’t going anywhere, let’s not see each other again’ text I have ever read. And have yet to get anything nicer since.

*The One in Massapequa

Kiki looks into being stood up

In The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe there is a time when Aslan leaves the children despite their victories. He leaves quietly when no one is really looking. And will continue to come and go throughout their lives. I have been in on again off again relationships- but the on again off again dater, who has a similar philosophy, is a bit trickier because it is hard to tell when they may decide to stand you up. However, like Peter going into battle sans Aslan, one must always be ready for the unexpected.

Frances and I met while we were both out through mutual friend groups. We hit it off and exchanged numbers that night. Our first date was a success. We laughed, we ate and then we met up with our mutual friends for drinks. Things seemed to be off to a solid start.

After the first date we continued to talk and exchange texts. We planned our second date- a meal at a local restaurant in a nearby hotspot.

The night of said date I drove to the shoreline area we would be meeting. There was an unexpected event at this place so parking was a challenge. I had to circle a few times but was able to find parking. I sent Frances a text that I was on my way up to the restaurant after the parking challenges. As I am walking into the place Frances replies to me saying that he couldn’t find parking so has decided to head home. No other follow up text. Just his decision to leave me at the place.

I am not one to be stood up so marched myself right to my car and proceed to drive to his apartment (you can surmise how I know where he lives) when I arrive I do not see his car and he does not answer the door so I sit myself down on the curb to wait his arrival. Fifteen minutes later and he is walking up – I do not know how I beat him to his own home but I have a few guesses. When he sees me sitting on the curb I can tell his brain is not registering the picture in front of him, I use this moment to say: “I was promised a meal” and just stare at him. With that, he mumbles a few local places we could try and we walk ourselves to the now closed Thai place. Dinner was a solemn event that went by rather quickly. I never got an answer that made sense as to why he would drive to a place and then leave knowing someone was waiting for him. Parking was bad but one could find spots. Needless to say there was not a third date.

I have been stood up once while I was at a bar waiting for my date (not a cat fish we had met in person and gone out a couple of times.) When he was a no call no show, I venmo requested that man the price of my drink since he was the one who offered to buy me one in the first place. My bank account is still minus that drink order.

Kiki looks into catfishing

Cat fishing is defined as a deceptive activity in which a person creates a fictional persona or fake identity on a social networking service for the purpose of fraud. Be on dating apps long enough and one will experience at least one catfish. Technically, Lucy was also cat fished by Mr Tumnus the faun. His plan was actually to kidnap her and take her to the queen but later changed his mind. Much like these dates.

The first time I was catfished my date never showed up. Prior to the date he communicated through text and the app. The day of the date as I was driving to meet him he blocked me on the phone and then by the time I walked up to the restaurant he had deleted me from the app. As I circled around the place there were only groups seated. Not a solo person to be found. Inquiries to staff lead nowhere they had not seen a singleton at the place in hours. As I walked back to my car I was panicking- this man knew what I looked but I had no idea of his appearance. I watch a lot of Criminal Minds so my pepper spray was at the ready. However, one time when a catfish did show up there was awkwardness a plenty.

I matched with Kacey who seemed normal in his photos and bio. After riveting conversation he planned a great date at a fancy restaurant. A man picking a place, time, day, and making a reservation for a date is not the usual so I probably should have known something was up. When I showed up it all became very clear. The man who was seated at the table was definitely not the man in the photos. Not in the completely separate person way, but rather the photos were clearly from his glory days in college. Kacey’s hairline had definitely moved back and his face had aged not as gracefully as he probably would have liked. He clearly knew what he was doing was wrong and seemed to want to make up for it through planning. Like the queen he felt he had to lavish gifts to hide his duplicity. In this case it was through order after order of food even after I only wanted one dish he asked for several items. Conversation was halting unlike on the phone because at that point the sham was up. It’s like he just kept ordering food to lengthen the date. It was a painful couple of hours.

I was able to finally get my Uber but Kacey insisted on waiting with me, unlike some prior dates. After what can best be described as an air side hug I jumped into the Uber and the driver said, “Ooph that was awkward, huh?” I asked him if it was that noticeable- he answered: “ Even Stevie Wonder could see that this was a bad date.” We drove home exchanging dating horror stories and laughing.

Kiki looks into humor

Everyone has an origin story, and before I knew that the dating world was a Narnian winter wasteland with witches, betrayal, and a lot of ice I had my very first tinder match a long, long time ago. I matched with a man we will call Joe. Because I was so new, we texted quite a bit on the app before exchanging numbers. He seemed to be very funny in text- that’s what got me. Then after a while, I gave him my number and the humor continued across the phone. It wasn’t until after we met that I realized he wasn’t funny at all, he was just not very bright. What I had interpreted as humor in text was just him having a conversation. It was almost the Key and Peele skit about the text conversation.*

At the time I knew none of this though and believed I was going on a date with a human who had a good sense of humor. After numerous exchanges we made plans to meet at a bar. When I got there, he looked exactly like his photos (at the time I didnt know about catfishing more on that in the future) and the date seemed to be going well except unlike his text, he was not chatty.. at all. I carried most of the conversation. I started wondering if I had been Cyrano’d through text. But the exact moment I realized that his humor was, in fact, him being serious, was the following exchange: We had been discussing his job and somehow Chelsea Handler came up – I can not remember the details now- I love her so I said to him: “I love her standup. She is so funny. ” And he replies deadpan: “No she doesn’t stand up. She sits behind that desk.” At first I thought- ohh finally there you are Joe, there is that jokester. I paused and looked at him and he looked at me with no trace of sarcasm. So I said again: “Yes, on her show but I also love her stand up. And he kept looking at me, confusion just deepening. He responds again “ No, she is the one that sits behind the desk. Maybe we are talking about two different people. She is the one that sits behind the desk and says the news and the jokes. She doesn’t stand up.” We went back and forth a couple of times I laughingly, but he was not breaking and left little room to argue and at that point I realized I had met a very literal person.

I figured at that point it could not get any worse so chose to move on. He had his hands on the bar and I noticed that there was a scar on one so I asked him where he got that from and he answered, “oh my wife and I got into a fight a long time ago.” I said “oh that is bad. Do you mean your ex-wife?” He responds with: “Well we’re separated, not divorced though.” At that point, I realized I had not asked enough questions about whether or not he was single. I had just assumed it because he was on a dating app so I proceeded to ask him questions: I said: “Oh, so you are getting a divorce? He answered in the affirmative, but added that they still lived in the same home. My reply: “ That must be difficult – so you live in different rooms?” (I felt the need to ask obvious questions based on the above interactions.) He said “No we’re in the same room.” Excuse me, sir ? He ended with “Yes, we share the bed. I have one side and she has the other.” At that point it was time to make my exit and I was grateful I had only ordered soda water.

Sir, you are not single, you are not separated, you are still in a whole ass marriage. I was single on a dating app and his stupid self was both married and dating. Why I continued to try and find love on the internet after that first encounter is a mystery.

* Key and Peele