Kiki looks into dating… that’s it just trying to date

Dating as a broken person is daunting. Not only are the dates often ridiculous, but I have less patience than I used to. I’m tired in a way that doesn’t show on dating profiles, and that exhaustion makes everything feel like tiny paper cuts on my soul: painful for such innocuous marks.

Recently, I went on a date with a man who turned out to have very, very different views from mine, though none of that came out until we were already face to face.

Don’s profile wasn’t sketchy. There were no obvious red flags or clues suggesting he’d turn out to be an absolute a-hole. Did he have of a “bro” vibe, sure, but was he also from the East Coast, yes- which is why this didn’t quite line up. When we messaged on the app, things flowed easily enough that we exchanged numbers quickly and texted as if we had been good friends for a while and still nothing alarming came up.

There was one small thing we didn’t agree on, musical artists, but it seemed harmless at the time. Just one of those hmmmm differences I file away and move on from. I didn’t know then that it would end up meaning more.

The day of the date, we met for ice cream and decided to walk around the cute downtown area nearby. It should’ve been easy. Casual. Like I said above two old friends catching up seeing if there might be more. Instead, he decided this was the perfect moment to unload all of his strange relationship proclivities. I told him it was too early for that kind of conversation, but he kept pushing. Each comment edged a little closer to subjects I’d asked to be avoided, until I finally had to change the subject altogether.

At the time, I wondered if I was just annoyed at being out with someone new, someone who wasn’t my ex. This was one of my first dates since the “breakup,” for lack of a better word. Was this actually weird behavior, or , was I just projecting my sadness? It was hard to tell.

But as he kept talking and then started mocking me I realized I wasn’t wrong at all. It was in fact intentional, inappropriate border line vile behavior. He was openly supportive of current policies supporting everything I abhor and he wouldn’t let it go. He just kept pushing. At one point we tipped into the vile and very much engaged in a an actual shouting match about language and current events and yes musical artists.

I think my anger and the urge to absolutely demolish a man with all the rage I’d bottled up during my relationship kept me rooted there, shouting back. The fact that we didn’t physically tussle was honestly surprising. But the moment I realized I was on the verge of a fist fight with a grown man, I snapped back to reality: I have a pace maker now and can’t be swinging but there was a time.

I shoved my chair back and stormed off. It would be another month before I went on another date.

Kiki looks into intermittent fasting

I intermittent fasted on a date once (not on purpose or anything), but because my date had “made it clear,” apparently, that we were only having drinks.

I matched with Hugh, and we exchanged sporadic messages in the app. I didn’t think it would lead anywhere and was preparing to move on. However, almost at the exact moment I was getting ready to delete the match, as though he had somehow caught wind of this ship-jumping, he asked me out and even planned the day and time. He also did a great job checking in leading up to the date to make sure we were still on. This may seem like an innocuous detail, but anyone dating now will tell you: if they don’t check in, at least day of, that date is not happening. That small gesture buoyed my hopes things would go well.

I arrived before him at a bustling restaurant, where a crowd hovered near the host stand waiting to be seated. I slipped into the bar section and noticed a couple gathering their things. I slid in after them, but the bartender shut it down immediately: that section was closing, he said. Then, as if on cue, another couple offered up their seats and with a menu still on the table! I scanned through the hefty pages until Hugh finally arrived. The restaurant was still churning, so the plates from the previous diners remained untouched. After deciding on my meal, I handed the menu to my date thinking we would at least get a snack. It was in that moment that he looked me straight in the eyes and said, very distinctly, “I thought I made it clear we were only meeting for drinks.”

That was in that instant I decided I would be leaving as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, the Fates had other plans for me. When the server eventually came by to clear the plates, he offered us a bread basket. My date again declined, though he did order himself a drink. I stuck with water, already plotting my escape.

Because of the rush of customers, our drinks took forever to arrive. So there I sat, listening to a man’s life story with not even a crumb of bread to distract me from what had become my loud, growling stomach.

When the drinks finally appeared, Hugh sipped slowly and kept talking. I committed fully to what had now clearly become a water fast. At some point he paused, but I barely noticed. I was too busy watching plates pass by salivating at other people’s meals. When he finally asked me a few questions, I answered halfheartedly, my attention completely hijacked by the cakes circling through the room.

Once the drinks were gone, I ended the date, not because of anything he said, but because I was starting to worry I’d lose consciousness trying to make it to my car. Drive through after a bust of a date just hits different.

Kiki looks into trying again

Two years ago I stopped writing. Not because I met someone and had my happily ever after, quite the opposite actually. Even as I sit here and try to find the words for this on and off relationshit, I am not entirely sure I am ready to write again let alone enter the dating world. Given the last few attempts I’ve had: including actively trying not to cry because they are not Ryan, feeling like I am somehow cheating even though we haven’t spoken or seen each other in months, and one particularly eventful date where I almost fought a grown man (but for other reasons) I am not sure the dating world is ready for me to enter it either. So I think this blog may become a mix of ‘healing journey’ testimony and the dates along the way. It definitely can no longer have a Narnia theme. Narnia ended joyfully for the children and the land. I cannot currently even fathom everything working out in the end; so this may just become a stream of consciousness catharsis where I work myself back to a semblance of myself before we met.

Kiki looks into unexpected heartbreak

You let somebody in, you know? And then, you make room. Then they go. And yeah, the room’s still there. ~ Sam Sylvia

When Mr. Tumnus the faun saw Lucy for the first time and learned what she was, he made up his mind to kidnap her and bring her to the witch. After getting to know her though he let her escape rather than fall victim to the majesty’s wrath (telling Lucy outright of his previous plan and then helping her to safety). In many ways, I wish people in the dating world were like that: just brutally honest about their intentions so, like Lucy, we could escape with all pieces of ourselves and faith intact. But if that were the case this blog would not exist.

Like Lucy meeting a talking faun, meeting Ryan jarred me. He made me nervous from the beginning. He was open and vulnerable, something most people in LA avoided. He talked about a variety of subjects and was so articulate about them, his experiences within them, and their connection to the collective that any time I spoke I felt like I was that man I went on a date with that talked for an hour plus about his intermittent fasting- just nonsensical.

Despite my nervousness and own feelings of being off kilter anytime I was around him, Ryan still seemed to want to see me and more importantly talk with me. We made plan after plan to see each other. The anxiousness was always there, but so was reassurance that I was not, in fact, as ridiculous I believed. And like I do when I am interested in someone I make room for them, blindly believing in their goodness. Like Lucy trusting a talking faun with no rhyme or reason, I trusted Ryan.

The whole of the story of Narnia took place over a longer period of time than our dating did, and regardless of the small window , I still managed to get my heart chipped. I won’t know if my ridiculousness, my overthinking, or the tangible fact that I could never quite be all of myself is what did it; but, what I do know is that I made a space for someone and that space remained after they left.

Kiki looks into dating internationally- locally

Although I have been bamboozled a few times by my own people I keep trying to date them, similar to how Edmund knows deep down the queen is bad but just convinces himself she may not be so keeps going back to find her. I am just going to take a minute and revisit going out with my own people which happened not too far in the past.

I had a very interesting date with a man who claimed to also be Greek. Nick was not very communicative by text when we matched and I did call him out on it- nothing changed, so I guess he had the Greek stubbornness down pat. Regardless, we set up a date locally, and we haltingly continued to talk about our common interest- being Greek.

The day of the date I showed up to the restaurant after he did- I was not late, but he had actually gotten there a little early and had the waitress seat him- very unGreek of him. When I asked him where he was sitting instead of telling me where he instructed me to ask the waitress to take me back to him like he was a king of some kind. He did not even offer to come out and meet me at the front of the restaurant. I let the hostess know my party was seated and proceeded to wander the establishment looking for a person I was supposed to recognize from some vague pictures. I knew it was gonna be bad.

When I finally did locate him he stood up and hugged me. It was a very awkward side hug then he sat himself right down, looked me square in the my eyes and with a straight face said, “You are so lucky to be here with me.” That sounded very Greek, but that’s where the commonality ended and it was downhill from there. I could not keep my mouth shut so responded with: “Why would you have that thought and then say it out loud?” He made a wide sweep with his arms seemingly pointing out the restaurant but remained silent expecting me to know what he meant. I just continued to stare at him at which time he filled the silence by telling me he “knew the manager and his friend was part owner” As a note a.) we were not in LA for this to happen and b.) that’s not a personality trait for me to value.

This exchange was quickly interrupted when the waitress brought us each a glass of champagne- he had “taken the liberty of ordering me a drink” but had never asked if I even drank – I don’t. He was upset to find this out. Before he could say anything else, we were brought some kind of amuse bouche. When I asked what it was or what he ordered, instead of telling me he really doubled down on me being lucky to be there with him and replied that: “it was specially made for us.” “From the kitchen,” he continued. I expressed concern as to where our other food orders would be made from but he didn’t get my joke.

Conversation from there on was fairly stilted. We did not see eye to eye on any subject, and as it turned out, he had just broken up with somebody a few days previous. When I said that it was surprising he was dating so soon after he’d broken up with somebody, he did not see why it was “my business as to his dating timeline. ” Then when I was asking him seemingly normal first date questions, i.e. what brought him to California from his home state he stated that-”it was a traumatic event” and I “shouldn’t be asking those types of questions.” To which I spit out, “please learn to lie because that’s a normal question to ask on a date.” It was a very quiet dinner after that.

I guess dating Greek or part Greeks is not in the cards for me. As Edmund and I learned, one should always trust their instincts even in the face of food and drinks.

Kiki looks into armchair misogyny

In the Lion and the Witch, and the Wardrobe the white witch was angry because she always felt that she was the rightful ruler of Narnia, but had to fight to earn her place. When anyone questioned her power or authority they met her wrath and were turned to stone. One of her greatest fears: the daughters of Eve taking her power away. With the rise of the podcast and people like Andrew Tate and Joe Rogan men are being instilled with a similar fear: the daughters of Eve taking “control,” stealing their money, etc etc. This fear has made men start turning women into stone figuratively and added even more mines to the already desolate landscape of dating. I am pretty good at vetting out these types even as I swipe- their profiles give off douche vibes and say things like looking for a feminine woman, no feminists, age 45 and not looking for anything serious, there is a picture of them holding a fish, or other such markers, however, every now and then one gets by because they can hide it like the witch hid her true nature from Edmund- but not for long.

A while ago I went on a date with a man we will call Adam, who at first glance seemed put together: he had a good job, his own place, no fish photos in his profile, and in our quick phone conversation to set up the date he was polite and articulate. I was hopeful…but that quickly disappeared when he called me three times prior to me showing up for the date (in the span of an hour.) I knew it was going to go down hill but I was hungry and I hoped it would make a good story. Adam did not disappoint.

When we met up the first thing I noticed was his sudden need to dominate the conversation and his lack of awareness that someone else was mid sentence before he came storming in with his thoughts. On the phone we had a back and forth and there was an equal exchange; this was not the case in person. I could be in the middle of a thought and he would just start in without letting me finish because he ‘knew better’ (his words not mine.) If I asked a question because I didn’t hear or Adam’s point was nonsensical so I disagreed he just spoke louder and slower AT me. It’s like he had faked a conversation long enough to sound non threatening; but, that quickly came to a head when he realized I had opinions and was quicker with the wit and let’s be honest, the facts than him. He did not understand sarcasm but insisted he was very sarcastic especially when it came to certain topics. How that worked I was about to find out.

Turns out his “sarcasm” was rooted in women’s ‘need’ to have equality he stated. A topic, he said, deserved only sarcasm. I asked what that meant because I felt we were not working with the same definition of sarcasm and that seemed to send him over the edge. He began in earnest to rant on and on about how women were responsible for men’s emotions, were to stay calm in all situations even if men were acting foolish, and the demise of values was because women had become somehow blood thirsty (money hungry) and were trying to take men’s power away and control them. He even went as far as saying women control men’s reproductive rights. You should also know he believed this to be an American problem because in other cultures women knew ‘their role.’ I think he wanted to say “their place” but stopped just short of that. To be clear none of what he said was done so ironically he meant every word. I wondered, as he was spewing his foolishness, how this person with so much vitriol against women was on a dating app looking to court women – clearly it wasn’t women he was trying to be with.

When questioned about actual laws that existed protecting men rather than women he was unaware of them- his words were, “I don’t know anything about that.” When questioned about men’s behavior teaching women how to act or men creating the system and now women were using it for their advancement his brain almost locked up with this new thought and could go no further. He quickly ended the date. At least the white witch attempted to take on the daughter’s of Eve- Adam wasn’t even going to try.

Kiki looks into quiet quitters

if you’ve been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you — you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing was ever going to happen again. ~ c.s lewis

Dating is hard- finding someone to trust and who I want to spend time with is hard; but, nothing is more difficult than finding that person, connecting, and then watching the person who once felt safe step back just as I am teetering on the edge. Someone quietly quitting is a heartbreak all it’s own. At least when someone ghosts I don’t have to watch the relationship disintegrate day by day right in front of me. With ghosting they are gone- there is no lingering there is a finality that does not come with a quiet quitter.*

After many, many a first date, the first date with Sebastian seemed like a sigh of relief like I could finally relax. Conversation was easy from the beginning and there was a lot of laughter. No catfishing, no Disney character voices, everything seemed to align. As a side note – I have found it is best when I like someone to be exactly who I am that way they know what they are in for- begin as you mean to go on is my motto. So if Sebastian really was in it as he claimed many times over it was best to be who I would be throughout so he knew. I was untrusting and we hurdled several ptsd flashbacks, but he took it all in stride. He was consistent and reliable. He kept showing up – until he didn’t.

Almost three months from our first date he began to shut me out. Not all at once but slowly. First the messages dried up, he’d text just enough so I knew he was there. Then response times went from minutes to hours. What used to be voice texts throughout the day became one voice text, if I asked. And even his tones changed. Long phone conversations that lasted hours with no one wanting to hang up suddenly felt heavy on his end like an obligation or chore- if they happened at all. The Sebastian who had courted and pursued me decided he’d had enough now that we were in a relationship. The vulnerability and emotion he’d shown was tucked neatly back in and a wall went up. Numerous attempts to ask what was going on were thwarted. And of course the more I pushed the further he stepped back.

I can’t explain to someone what they are unwilling to see. So, although I knew all the reasons he was acting this way he refused to accept it or even admit that anything had changed. Here I was spinning in pools of anxiety, the worse of me coming out in this relationship with a person who was one foot in one foot out. The tangible things to point to as issues, Sebastian insisted were just some voodoo emotional stuff on my end. All I could do was watch him step further and further back like the meme of Homer Simpson sliding into the bushes and nothing would stop the slide. Deciding whether or not to walk away from a person who once made me feel safe is no small feat. It does a number on the psyche.**

* ghosting as a term doesn’t make sense because ghosts hang around much like the quiet quitter actually but I don’t make the labels

** The quiet quitter has officially become a ghoster

Kiki looks into the positive side of dating

Dating is a winter wasteland, because even on the best of days things rarely work out. Although I always talk about the terrible dates, even the most pleasant dates rarely move forward. Because, like the deep magic of Narnia, things always seem to work out for the witch rather than the sons of Adam and daughters of Eve.

I once matched with a lovely human named Kent. He was always so positive on the phone and in messages. Not in a fake way or a way that was annoying as some cheerily people tend to be but in an endearing way. Like Aslan,who always kept calm in the worst of situations, so Kent kept cheerful.

Our date was at LA Live on a Friday night. This was no small feat especially without a reservation. But despite the long waits and crowds he was so positive and calming. Nothing fazed him. We walked around as we waited for the beeping of our restaurant tracker and he was just amazed by everything. Like Alec Baldwin’s character in ‘Friends,’ he complimented the most arbitrary of things. “Just look at all these brake lights glowing like the light of a thousand ferries. *” And on and on just over the top enthusiasm about the crowds, the restaurants, all the mundane things we passed were somehow fascinating to him. Although Baldwin’s character was grating after a while, Kent was less so and I think it was because it just seemed so natural for him to be amazed by everything. Our conversation was just as fascinating to him. He spoke in glowing terms about life, his job, and anytime I had something to say it was a two minute praise session about what I had said. It was like having my own hype person. Despite what could have been a miserable experience it was refreshing to watch someone be so open and energized. I don’t know if that says something about me or dating in general.

In the end we had a wonderful time and his upbeat attitude only added to that. Even though there was no spark it was nice to go on a date that was successful overall and did not end in a more positive Uber ride than the date itself. However, because of the type of blog this is – we know this story does not end with me in a partnership. The next day I received the kindest ‘this isn’t going anywhere, let’s not see each other again’ text I have ever read. And have yet to get anything nicer since.

*The One in Massapequa

Kiki looks into catfishing

Cat fishing is defined as a deceptive activity in which a person creates a fictional persona or fake identity on a social networking service for the purpose of fraud. Be on dating apps long enough and one will experience at least one catfish. Technically, Lucy was also cat fished by Mr Tumnus the faun. His plan was actually to kidnap her and take her to the queen but later changed his mind. Much like these dates.

The first time I was catfished my date never showed up. Prior to the date he communicated through text and the app. The day of the date as I was driving to meet him he blocked me on the phone and then by the time I walked up to the restaurant he had deleted me from the app. As I circled around the place there were only groups seated. Not a solo person to be found. Inquiries to staff lead nowhere they had not seen a singleton at the place in hours. As I walked back to my car I was panicking- this man knew what I looked but I had no idea of his appearance. I watch a lot of Criminal Minds so my pepper spray was at the ready. However, one time when a catfish did show up there was awkwardness a plenty.

I matched with Kacey who seemed normal in his photos and bio. After riveting conversation he planned a great date at a fancy restaurant. A man picking a place, time, day, and making a reservation for a date is not the usual so I probably should have known something was up. When I showed up it all became very clear. The man who was seated at the table was definitely not the man in the photos. Not in the completely separate person way, but rather the photos were clearly from his glory days in college. Kacey’s hairline had definitely moved back and his face had aged not as gracefully as he probably would have liked. He clearly knew what he was doing was wrong and seemed to want to make up for it through planning. Like the queen he felt he had to lavish gifts to hide his duplicity. In this case it was through order after order of food even after I only wanted one dish he asked for several items. Conversation was halting unlike on the phone because at that point the sham was up. It’s like he just kept ordering food to lengthen the date. It was a painful couple of hours.

I was able to finally get my Uber but Kacey insisted on waiting with me, unlike some prior dates. After what can best be described as an air side hug I jumped into the Uber and the driver said, “Ooph that was awkward, huh?” I asked him if it was that noticeable- he answered: “ Even Stevie Wonder could see that this was a bad date.” We drove home exchanging dating horror stories and laughing.